9.17.08
Rambling Entry and some Concerns
I've been meaning to write a long winded entry about nursing and toddler discipline and career aspirations and Weight Watchers and running and relationships and being an adult but the past two weeks have been insanely hectic, I haven't gotten a chance.
The past three or four days, I was having some serious doubts about my milk supply and was *this* close to giving a bottle of formula, because there's only so much my nipples can take. Judging by the way Alena has been sleeping almost all day, I am pretty sure it was a growth spurt. She's four months already, and I can't believe how time has gone by. Some days are slow and delicious, with lots of time for smiles and playing on the floor with both girls, and then some days go so quickly, I realize at five o'clock that I forgot to take out a moment and coo at my baby. And those days, of course, I feel horribly guilty.
Leila has entered some serious separation anxiety. I think that in the grand scheme of things, hers isn't that bad, but it's very unlike her. My mom pointed out that in a matter of a few months, she has come out of her diapers, out of her crib and Alena was born. I think it's probably stemming from these things, but while she usually pushes me out the door on Tuesday nights for my Weight Watchers meeting, last night she got teary and asked me not to go. Since we've been back from vacation, she's been crying every morning we drop her off at daycare (Monday, Wednesday, Friday). This morning was the first time she ran happily down the hall, which was a major relief for me. And speaking of daycare...
Let me start by saying I am in no way judging anyone else's decisions on how to raise their kids. With that out of the way, here are the reasons we've kept Leila in daycare even while I'm at home. She is so, so painfully shy at times, I feel that daycare pushes her (gently) out of her comfort zone. It's good for her to be away from me and with a bunch of other kids. It's awesome stimulation for her, she comes home happy and tired every day she's there. On the other hand, it's a lot of money. And with Steve facing a pay cut if he gets out of the military (tentatively planned for Spring 2009), we could definitely use that monthly daycare fund on lowering our debt or boosting our savings account. Also, the germs. Oh man, the power bugs that come out of that place rampage through our house and no one escapes. Steve and I both have strong immune systems and before Leila went to say care, I would get *maybe* one little cold a year. I know people say that kids need to get sick in order to develop a strong immune system, but it just seems so barbaric. Plus, I feel so protective of Alena! The last little snuffles she had was so hard on her, I paced the floor with her for three nights straight because she was so miserable. And then there's the fact that I *miss* Leila when she's at daycare. It makes me feel like somewhat of a jerk to drop her off (especially when she cries) and then come home and spend the day cooing at Alena. I know she always has fun, but still. And on the other side, as much as I miss her while she's gone, I also feel that a little break is good for me. I can get some housework done, I can spend QT with Alena, I appreciate Leila more when she's here. And finally, perhaps foolishly so, down deep, I feel guilty about all of it. About spending the money, about what the daycare teachers must think of us, sending her while I'm at home, about wanting the break, about not doing it all on my own.
Steve and I have talked about this at length, and he is totally pro-daycare. Aside from the fact that the money could be used elsewhere, he sees no downside. He doesn't have the same kind of nagging guilty conscience that I do, which makes all his decisions so much easier. Anyway, my tentative plan is to keep her in until the New Year. Then I'll take the money we would have spent on daycare and save it, in anticipation of the next couple years being a little tight. My plans may change if too many bugs come our way, since I really want to keep Alena as healthy as possible this winter.
And speaking of Alena... by the time she was two months old, she was going to sleep at 8:00 until FIVE in the morning, and then back asleep until eight. Then she got sick for two weeks and there was a trip to NS and then this growth spurt and maybe some teething and frankly, it's all gone to shit. I have no idea when she'll nap, when or how often she'll wake during the night, and I haven't slept more than a couple hours at a stretch for weeks now and frankly, I'm am so, so sick of it. I remember this happened with Leila. Steve suggested an evening bottle of formula to stretch her longer at night, which I am dubious about, because I don't think it will do any good. I don't really know what to do besides hope like heck every night that she'll pull off a big stretch.
Anyway, she's starting to stir and I have stuff that needs to be done, including taking Milo for a walk. Steve is leaving for Ottawa tomorrow until Monday, to run a half marathon. He decided this past spring to run a marathon this fall, and a couple 10k races and half along the way. The marathon is in three or four weeks in Charlottetown (I'm doing the 10k), so wish him luck this weekend. The quick bugger is hoping to do it in and hour and a half, and I know he can!
I've rambled for too long! Must go! But please, any input on sleeping babies, supplementing or daycare worries is welcome!
wunderwuman at 12:55 p.m.