5.4.09
worries
I wrote an entry last night that ended up getting deleted. It's probably for the best since it was mostly about how shitty yesterday was, culminating in me crying over the laundry because I had shrunk my two favourite t-shirts and if I wasn't so fat they would still fit and what do you mean this bad mood isn't about the shirts and I've been bitching at you since 5:30 this morning, Steve?!?!
You know the days. They fucking suck.
Anyway, things feel better this morning, although my shirts still don't fit. :(
The basement is coming along, and I have an offer from someone to watch the girls one or two afternoons a week while I get some studying done. But now that the offer is on the table, I'm hesistant to accept. I completely feel like no one can take care of the girls at the same time but Steve or I. They'er not even hard kids to care for, really, but I'm so hesistant to leave them with people... I need the help, I know that, because everything isn't getting done.
I booked a ticket to Vancouver to visit my older brother in July for his 30th bday a couple months ago. And while I'm really looking forward to going, I keep racking my brain of reasons not to go. First, I didn't think my mom could watch the girls by herself (she has a bad back), but then she told me Dad is going to take some time off work to help her, so there goes that excuse. It basically boils down to me being afraid something will happen. That I'll die, or worse, something will happen to the girls.
I hate how this fear bounds me to them, all mixed up in my love for them. This desperation of having to hold onto them, because dear God if I were to lose them, I couldn't go on. That's the way with love, we expose the most vulnerable part of ourselves. The deeper the love, the worse we risk being hurt.
I also recogonize that I need some time off too. The days are long and my patience is short, lately. July is still a long way away, and things may be different by then, but, well, three year olds are bossy and one year olds are frusterated by their inability to walk and Steve is as tired as I am and I just want him to come home at the end of the day and take the girls and bathe them and give me five seconds alone and he just wants to rest for five minutes because his days are as long as mine.
Anyway, I'll go and things will be fine but now there's a girl who wants me to watch cartoons with her.
wunderwuman at 9:09 a.m.