6.15.08
Mixed Emotions
You know, some days are so good. I feel strong and capable. And then some days I feel like I'm swimming in an ocean and just barely managing to stay afloat.
Yesterday was Leila's second birthday. It was sunny and beautiful and kids were playing in the wading pool and sprinkler, having fun and squealing. And I watched Leila run and play and I couldn't help but feel nostalgic for my little baby, because she's growing so quickly. She clamoured onto my lap to blow out her birthday candle, and I ran to get the camera and missed it. I don't really care about the picture, but I didn't see her blow out the candle. And I had both girls in pretty dresses and had managed to get myself into a skirt with even a little bit of makeup on and wanted a family picture of the four of us, but my in-laws came an hour and a half early and things got hectic and Leila wanted to change into her bathing suit two minutes after I had gotten her dressed and did her hair and I couldn't help but resent them for the one thing I wanted they ruined. And I spent the day going between the girls. And then everyone left and I was happy it had been such a good day and then as I lay in bed last night, Steve had gone to a friend's house, I thought about the picture I never did get, and I thought about how fast time is going and I just cried, because how do we hold onto these moments? How do I capture Leila as she was yesterday? Happy and laughing and blue eyes sparkling, then concerned when her friend skinned his knee, and how she carried around her mashed up hotdog all afternoon, not eating it, but not wanting to let go? How can I freeze these moments and just stay here a little longer?
And today was Father's Day, and Steve had to leave. He went with our friends to stay the night at their house in Truro so he can pick up our new car tomorrow morning. And everything was rushed and the house was so noisy and I just wanted everyone to leave and I felt so bad because he does so much for me every single day and takes such good care of me and I didn't do anything special at all for him because we were too busy.
So when they finally left and I got Leila asleep for her nap and came to do some yoga I just started crying during Mountain Pose and decided to turn off the DVD and then I realized I don't even know what to feed Leila or myself for supper and how can I survive being a mom after all?
Now Alena is awake, so hopefully a cuddle and nurse will calm me down and make me feel better but uhhhh, all these emotions running wild in me are making me wish I was alone and in the bathtub instead of with two girls who will keep me going non-stop from now until eleven tonight at which time I'll crash into bed for a few hours before it all begins again. And then of course, I feel guilty for wishing I was anywhere but with them, too.
wunderwuman at 2:49 p.m.