6.11.08
Let's Talk About Breasts, Baby
I'm not one of those shy nursers, you know? I'll feed my children in public, at Starbucks, on the bench at the mall, whatever. If it makes any difference, when I'm going out I usually wear a nursing shirt. This allows a slighter higher level of discretion and more importantly, allows me not to have to lift my shirt and flash my wonderfully pale, flabby, squishy postpartum belly to the world (and in all honestly, I feel much more comfortable with someone getting a quick glance of breast than I do of them seeing my belly).
Anyway, yesterday Steve and I were at Chapters getting something for my Dad for Father's Day and Alena woke up hungry. Really hungry. And the store was busy and I was wearing a regular t-shirt and the couches and comfy chairs were pretty full and I didn't really want to feed her there, but who argues with a two week old baby starting a growth spurt? Anyway, I sat down on a couch beside this teenage couple. The girl kind of gazed moistly at Alena as she frantically rooted and smacked on her hands. Once she realized what I was about to do, I swear the poor girl looked like she swallowed her tongue. And of course, Alena was hard to get on, pulling off sputtering with milk spraying her in the face two or three times. Steve sat between me and this couple as a buffer zone for my privacy, but it was just one of those leave you sweaty and feeling frazzled moments.
Then last week, before the car was stolen, we had it in at the dealership to get the key reprogramed. I walked Alena around in her stroller while we waited until she effectively exploded from her diaper. So I took her into the bathroom and got ready to change her. turns out she had gotten poop everywhere. A true diaper explosion. So as I pathetically tried to wipe her clean and began to realize the size of the mess (belly, back, jammies, legs, the whole deal) she started peeing. And seriously, the biggest pee ever I didn't even know her bladder was that big. And of course she was screaming bloody murder. So now there was shit everywhere but also pee rolling around the change table. Long story short, I got her cleaned up and changed into a fresh diaper and clean clothes (because no one with a newborn should ever leave the house without a clean change of clothes... probably for both of you but definitely for the baby). I settled her back into her stroller and wiped up the change table, washed my hands and left the bathroom. Steve was outside the door and said he had followed the baby screams (she had since calmed down) to find us. And it was one of those moments that I just kind of lowered my head and got through. And I realized as it was happening that if it were two years ago, and the baby was Leila, I would have been crying right along with her.
That's the thing, this time around. Oh sure, the days are long and sometimes it feels like everybody is pulling all parts of me and I wonder if I'm doing anything right, but at the end of the day, I feel like I can keep my head above water this time. When Alena wants to eat, eat, eat and won't go to Steve and cries if I take her off the breast to change her or burb her, I know she's still ok, just mad. And when she's sleeping in my arms and her face gets smooshed up into that pained expression and she takes a deep breath and lets out a howl, it doesn't take me very long to figure out if it's a little gas or if she's getting hungry.
All this said, the past two days have been long. She's hit her growth spurt and has crammed all her extra feeds into the night hours, which has left me tired. But last night after I set her in her bed and watched her stretch and then sigh, I stood for a moment over her and watched her sleep. And then I went into Leila's room and rolled her over onto her back, tucked her sookie blanket around her and put her teddy bear beside her and then watched her sleep. And still, two years and two weeks in to being a mother, I can't believe that I have been so absolutely, profoundly blessed to have these little girls in my life. When the house is finally quiet and I stand outside my door and look across the hall to the two bedrooms holding the people I love most in this world, everything seems so right and our family feels so complete like this, I have to make myself go to bed instead of just standing over them as they sleep all night long.
wunderwuman at 9:37 a.m.