4.22.08
Love and Playing Favourites
Last summer when we were at the beach, Leila was spending the night at my parent's house and we had some friends over, I swam out to the raft with a girlfriend who has a boy two months older than Leila. We were sitting there, dripping dry in the sun and she asked me if I had loved Leila right away after she was born. I was loosened up by a couple of cold beer and the first word out of my mouth was, "No."
I've thought about that moment a lot over the past year, and if I could go back, I would change my answer. Because what I really meant was, "Not like I love her now."
Part of me still feels bad that I answered that way, so quickly. But the love I felt for Leila as a newborn was instinctive, viseral, base. The Leila I know now, who shouts "Big bus!!" with joy everytime she sees a school bus, or sings songs to us while she spills her yogurt on the table at breakfast... well, it just doesn't compare. I have never loved anybody so deeply and purely as I love my child.
So what will happen with this new child? Will I love her only instinctively at first? Will it feel like I love Leila more? Some days I feel so unprepared for this new arrival. Oh, the jammies and sheets and blankets are all ready, the hospital bag is mostly packed, the cord blood kit has arrived, I'm registered at the hospital... but I mean me. Will I be able to handle this? While I am not worried about changing diapers or really even the lack of sleep for a while, sometimes I worry that I might lose myself along the way.
I've been thinking about labour a lot lately. And breastfeeding. And since I've spent less time obsessively reading and learning about latches and positions and nipple soreness, I wondered if that would make me less likely to succeed. But then I think, I already know about breastfeeding, I've already done it. And when I imagine my child, it's with my breast in her mouth, not a rubber nipple.
I guess it's not really about breastfeeding or labour at the end of the day, but that's where my fears have implanted themselves for now. While I am getting more and more excited to meet this little person, I am also feeling nervous about how this will change my relationship with Leila.
Steve laid hardwood all weekend, and on Sunday afternoon when we returned the rental hammer, Leila and I wandered around the construction store. As we walked back to Steve, she let go of my hand and ran to him and demanded, "Up!" After he had lifted her onto the counter and they began examining screwdrivers together, she looked at me, looked at Steve, and said, "No mo Mommy." (No more mommy) It didn't hurt my feelings, I understood that she had spent the entire weekend with me while Steve worked and wanted some time with just him. But it did make me wonder what will happen this summer when it's her and Steve, all the time, while I'm taking care of baby. And then how she'll react when Steve goes back to work and it's the three of us. And how I'll react, if the days will be much too long.
Anyway, Leila is at daycare and Steve has gone to work, so the house is blissfully quiet this morning, save for the whoosh-a-woosh-a of the washing machine. I treasure these last few quiet days, as I know that in a few more weeks, the silence will be non-existant in our house.
wunderwuman at 9:17 a.m.