03.28.07
This is how I leave this place
I know that my entries have been down lately, there has just been this sadness deep inside of me that I have not really been able to shake.
Yesterday was better, and today better still. The sun is shining, and while Steve was (unfortunately, for him) stuck in the house with the packers, I took Leila and Milo for a long walk along the lake. The wind blew in our faces, and although this wind does not leave me with that feeling (God, I love that feeling) of slightly salty skin like when it blows off the ocean, it was peaceful.
I have been sad, lately. It all started with the soldier from home being killed, and then I never quite shook it. My mom is away and Steve was busy and life as I had gotten used to was disrupted and then Leila was sick and cranky and demanding and sometimes, it just feels really hard to keep track of who I am.
There is also this underlying issue about how stress (and parenthood) so dramatically affects our sex life. We both end up tired at the end of the day, and the last thing I want to do is have sex. And then two, three, sometimes even four days slip by and suddendly I realize how distant I am feeling from Steve, how every little movement and short answer feels like an attack on me. That feeling clears when we finally make love, but there is a part of me that wonders where those two sex-crazed people went.
We went from at least six times a week before I was pregnant to now, two, three times at best. At first it was being postpartum and it always hurt. And then it was because I was breastfeeding. And now. . . we are both just so tired at the end of the day, that sex is what ends up lacking.
I took some mental pictures, yesterday. Of the way the ice was melting on Lake Ontario. Of the ducks, swimming in the water and naping in the sun. I watched Milo chase squirrels and drink from the puddles and smiled to myself as Leila yelled after her, twisting and turning to watch her as she ran.
And so this is how I prepare to leave this place, I guess. With some mental pictures, some real ones, a touch of nostalgia and a hear that feels like the sunshine is finally filling it up again.
wunderwuman at 12:09 p.m.