12.24.06
Merry Christmas
Sometimes it feels like I am being pulled in different direction by different people, lost somewhere between what everyone wants me to be.
This whole wedding thing has blown completely out of proportion, and perhaps is spiraling because I do not quite know how to say no (which consequently has led to a few drunken sexual encounters that have left me feeling cheap and guilty for months, but those stories are for another time).
I found a dress, did I mention? It is beautiful and white and off-the-shoulder and possibly the most beautiful piece of clothing I have ever put on my body. And I mentioned in passing that maybe I would like to get married at home, after all, with a big wedding and the whole deal. My mom took the idea and ran, essentially planning the whole day out, down to what colours people should wear. I admit, I got excited about the idea. About being the centre of attention, about the speeches and the first dance.
Steve will be on a course with the military for most of the summer in Gagetown (yes, again). The thing with the military is that they do not care about your wedding plans or your child�s first birthday. It does not matter to them if your fiancee wants a June wedding or if she found the most beautiful dress. They might make him work a couple weekends, or re-write tests. Planning a wedding while he is on course just is not realistic. The perfect day and dress and church mean nothing if the Groom cannot make it.
I explained this to my mom the other day, and said that we would keep things the way they were, the wedding here in Kingston. She got mad (mad!) at me. She said I was compromising on what I wanted and that I was making a mistake. She said Steve should just let his course instructors know that he is getting married, she said it is not fair because I invited my parents and brothers, but he invited his Grandparents, too.
So I suggested getting married in May, in Nova Scotia. Or trying to book the church anyway. And if the dates are full, than we will get married here, as we planned originally. Yet through all of this I have somehow been left feeling horribly guilty that my mother is not happy. My mother. Who told her parents two days before she got married that they could come if they wanted. My mother who suggested that maybe something was wrong because I had not been daydreaming about dress shopping months ahead of time, who I overheard telling someone that we were not even excited about the wedding, just the Honeymoon and have you ever heard of such a thing?
It makes me want to elope. It makes me wish that I had never tried on that dress. It makes me want to yell at her, to ask her if she understands what she is doing, that by going on and on about how it is my day, my wedding, she has made it all about her. It has left me not knowing what I want anymore.
I have never been one of those girls that has daydreamed about her wedding for years, I have never wanted the fairytale. To tell you the truth, I don�t even really believe that the fairytale exists. It doesn�t feel to me like this is the beginning of our life together, because our life is already so fulfilled. We have a child and a house and a dog.
I got off the phone with her last night and cried. I asked Steve to please never let me be that way to Leila. I cried and then tossed and turned all night, sleeping poorly. I mean, I really am close with my mom and it means a lot to me that she cares this much, but sometimes it feels that unless I do the things in my life the way that she believes I should, I am doing it wrong. And the real problem with that is that it makes me feel so horribly guilty when she does this. It makes me want to do anything to make her not talk to me in that tone, or to tell me that she thinks I made the right decision.
Now I just cannot really get to the point of caring about this stupid day. Because it is just a day. It is in no way indicative of the way our marriage will work out and it isn�t the beginning of our life together, it is just another step.
So I am going to call the church and the photographers and the place for the reception in a couple of days, and if they are available, we will get married at home with the bridesmaids and groomsmen and reception and receiving line and speeches and first dance and flowers. And if not, then we will get married here in Kingston, with only our immediate family and have a casual reception at home in June.
And I will try to ignore the cutting remarks my mother makes until then, and I will try to not let this frustration overshadow Christmas. Because it is my baby�s first Christmas, and she is wide-eyed in wonder at the tree lights as they sparkle and trying to grab at the presents, eating tissue paper, squirming on her belly as she stretches to reach things. She is sitting up straight and gobbling up any amount of food we put in front of her, she has a new tooth and little does she know, but Santa comes tonight with lots of goodies.
So Merry Christmas everyone.
wunderwuman at 8:28 a.m.