07.12.06
She was right, what she said about balance
Balance. What is balance, anyway? When is it that we learn how to achieve it? And is it just another word for sacrifice?
I used to wonder how I would know what to change in my life once love came along. And then it did, and the changes just seemed natural. And now there is a demanding, very present new person here, in my life, in my every thought, in my house, and sometimes I wonder if I am doing the right things. It is amazing how much you can worry about something so small. Is the bath water too hot? Her toes are cold. Wow that was a big spit up. She has not pooped all day. She has been pooping all day. She is hungry all the time. She pushes my breast away when I try to feed her. And so on and so on.
Last week I had someone ask me if I was planning on being a stay-at-home-Mom, and when I said no, she seemed surprised. I found myself feeling defensive, justifying my answer by saying that I wanted to get a masters, and then work, but you know, I would not say that I would never want to stay home with my kids. Later I wondered about what I really wanted to do, and the truth is, I have no idea. I want a career, I want to be successful in that aspect. And yet, I can look at my father, at the years he spent traveling for his job and working late, missing birthdays and suppertimes and I feel sad for what might be lost to me. I can look at Steve, and our life together, at the possibility of moving every five years and think that it just makes more sense to stay home. I can look at my mother, who I admire and cherish, who made that sacrifice for us and has said she would never change her decision if she could.
Inside of me, there seems to be so much more left to do, not besides raising children, but in addition to that. I love Leila beyond what I thought was possible, and yet I know that my life does not stop there. In the past few months, I have felt my brain becoming stagnant, and it scares me. I have stumbled over words, then wondered when I stopped being articulate. I have giggled at my own expense and then wondered if I relished a little too much in my own self-deprecating humour.
So, I suppose, somewhere along the way, I will manage to find some sort of middle ground, between being there for birthdays and achieving milestones in my life outside of my home. Hopefully this journey will not only bring me to a place I can take pride not only in what I have done and the person I have become, but also help me raise children who are polite, considerate, self confident and self sufficient.
The past thirty six hours have been a flurry of a fussy baby refusing to sleep unless she is being held mixed with some frustration, fatigue and humidity. We tried a soother which she refuses to take, we tried a car drive which worked until we stopped driving, we tried feeding her which she pushed away. She even fussed during her bath, which she usually loves. Yet, as I read her a story before putting her to bed, watched as she sleepily fell away from my breast and then placed her into her crib, I was overcome with how magnificent and amazing this all is. This luck of the draw, beyond perfect little person, who somehow managed to not only show us a new side of love, but to completely alter our lives from being all about two to now suddenly all about three. And tonight, as she sleeps soundly, occasionally letting out a little sigh, all those fussy cries are swept away by the incredible peacefulness of a sleeping baby.
wunderwuman at 9:54 p.m.