7.24.06
A baby cries
I have been meaning and meaning to write in here, to find the time to throw down a few sentences explaining what life as a new parent is like. It is surprisingly hard though. I knew I would be tired at first, and though my initial exhaustion has worn off, there is still this constant strain behind my eyes. It is nothing so serious that a morning shot of caffeine does not fix, but it is there, none-the-less. And even though I no longer feel the need to fall into my bed the moment that Leila closes her eyes, I still welcome my bed every night at ten after she has gone down for her biggest sleep. And in a way, it is a blessing that I am no longer so exhausted, because this kid does not like to sleep. She only cat naps during the day, squawking against the sleep that drifts over her. It can get tiring.
But I have come to realize that everything hinges on the quiet moments. On bundling her in a blanket after her bath and cuddling while she calms down, on looking into each others eyes and knowing that she knows me, and on her smiles. Oh, the silly stupid things we do for those smiles. Wiggling her nose and singing stupid songs and talking in silly voice, but they make my heart swell with pride and love and disbelief that I can possibly continue to fall head over heels in love with this child every second of every day.
Amanda was here this weekend. We swam and watched movies and talked and cooed over Leila. And while it was so good to see her, I am left here trying not to cling to the underlying sadness that not only echoes in the goodbye of our every visit, but that has become more prominent lately, as I say goodbye to all but two of the people I love, wishing so much that some, if not all, of them could only be a little closer and be a more present part of our life. For Leila, maybe, but for me, too. So that the smiles and coos and joy that Steve and I have found together in this child were more than telephone conversations and pictures. So that the recognition that flutters in her eyes after seeing Amanda for a few days, or after spending two weeks with her Nanny stays instead of fading away by the time our next visit rolls around.
But I am tired, and I need to brush my teeth, and my hormones have still not completely evened out yet and so writing and dwelling on these things makes me too upset, too quickly. So it is off to bed for anywhere from two to six hours before I wake up and feed my baby, put her back to bed and start it all over again. We are closing on our house in a week, and we are headed back to Nova Scotia in a little over two, and there are empty boxes lying around waiting to be filled. And, like I always say, I will try to update more often than once every two weeks.
wunderwuman at 10:28 p.m.