04.03.06
Home sweet home
Home again, home again. Florida was great and I got some very much needed quality time with my mom. My thoughts are, as ever, almost completely consumed with baby and baby things, and her stretches, which have become much more pronounced, distract me from anything I may be doing. I have felt a foot or heel at different times, poking out of my side, a hard little bum once, and I think even possibly a hand, that moved around and responded to my pokes. I touch myself, touch my baby underneath my skin, and try to hold her, try to rub her. I imagine all the time the way she might look, what colour her eyes are, and her hair. Whose nose she will have, if she will get my freckles or not. I imagine her with blue eyes and red hair, and then immediately switch to imagining a baby with a shock of dark hair and dark eyes.
I got in late Saturday night, so we came home and cuddled and talked and made love, falling asleep close to each other, legs entwined. Yesterday was the perfect kind-of day with the sun shining. We went to the park with Milo and washed my car in the driveway, we went bought a lawn mower and a crib mattress, and it is nice to see that we have finally sorted out our finances that we can spend that kind of money without cringing at the thought of the next two weeks, but instead wonder if we want to go out for supper tonight, too. We also set up the crib, mattress at the highest setting. I folded all of the clothes and blankets, towels and facecloths and put them inside. They are there now, waiting to be washed and then put into our dresser once it arrives from Nova Scotia. With the crib was sent a bag full of receiving blankets, towels, facecloths and bumper pads. I have heard conflicting opinions about bumper pads but we both decided they are not needed at first while the mattress is so high and the baby will not roll around, although I a going to wash them to get rid of the musty basement smell they carry. And, to our shame, we now have more facecloths than we will ever need, the grand total ringing in at twenty-four, as we had no idea there was anything besides crib coming along with it. We also have a ton of receiving blankets, although that puts to rest my inner debate or whether to buy burping cloths.
My mom watched a show about planning a wedding the day before I arrived, which resulted in many talks about what we wanted. She asked about colour schemes and bands vs. djs and flowers and guests. To many of these questions I had no answers, and by the end of the week I told her that although we had talked about it and had loosely set a date in mind, it felt far away because there was so much to concentrate on right now. I told her that it would work out, that regardless of what people say, the bridesmaids will not walk down the isle naked, people will not go without cake, and someone will play music.
I used to care, and at the first of my pregnancy had conflicting thoughts about getting engaged. Part of me wanted to right away, and yet there was a voice in my head that wondered what everyone would think, that I had wrapped Steve into settling down out of obligation not love. And now, it does not seem to matter as much. As we get closer and closer to this day that we have been waiting for (it seems like) forever, the world seems to grow smaller and smaller, closing around our home and family. It seems like there are babies everywhere now, and last night while we waited in line for our mattress, a man walked by with toddler in arms who reached out and grabbed Steves shoulder. His face broke out into a smile as he turned around to look at her and he continued to smile long after she had gone. He told me about talking to the other men at work, telling them how excited he is to be a dad, and it feels sometimes like my heart is going to burst with all of this happiness and love.
Today is rainy and grey, and regardless of how much I would love to lay on the couch reading all morning, Milo is out of dog food, so there is a grocery store to get to. And of course there is laundry to be done and what seems like an awful lot of cleaning to do for coming home to a clean house. But the dog fur in corners seems to call my name these days and I will probably start washing baby things this week. I also have to get my teeth and eyes checked so that those pesky things are off my plate. Only the little things are left, and it is a strange and calming feeling that if, for some reason, this baby were to come tomorrow, we would be ready for her.
wunderwuman at 10:23 a.m.