02.17.06
Who knew it sometimes felt like this?
Steve and I have always had a fairly sexual relationship, we were a steady five times a week (minimum) couple, usually not missing a day of sex. At the first of my pregnancy, my sex drive plummeted. I was exhausted and cranky and moody and felt bloated and weird and my breasts ached. Everything I read told me that this was normal and as the first trimester passed, so would the fatigue, making way for a sexually charged relationship with lots of love-making, quick orgasms, and hot sex.
I am into my sixth month and seriously? I am still waiting for the fatigue to pass, let alone to feel anything close to horny. My sex drive has dropped from about a solid 8.5 to a two. I love to kiss and cuddle and talk and hug, but when it comes time to initiate sex, I just never feel like it. Right now, we have sex about every other day or every third day, and do not let it go more than that. I guess that is normal for a lot of couples, but sometimes I feel so far away from where we used to be. I do not have this vision of a baby free body immediately spiking my sex drive back up to where it used to be, and I guess I worry I will not ever feel the same.
I am tired. Tired of feeling bigger everyday, tired of missing running, tired of feeling this constant discomfort while I am laying down or sitting on a hard chair. Tired of asking Steve to rub my hips every night so they are not too sore the next day. I am tired of waiting.
I have always kept myself well groomed, waxing regularly and enjoying how it made me feel to take care of myself and my body. I gave up waxing when I got pregnant because my skin was so sensitive and started shaving again. Steve had to tell me it was time for a trim this week, because I CANNOT SEE ANYTHING! None of the pregnancy books told me personal grooming would be an issue! As I inspected my body in front of the mirror last night, critically looking for the beginning of any stretch marks (and sadly there is one, only a little pink stripe barely visible, but it is there) I realized that nothing looks like it used to. Everything that used to be pink is now turning brown. My belly is big, my hips are fuller, the dimples on my lower back that made me so proud because I had worked so hard at the gym to get are gone. My breasts are bigger and fuller, my nipples are darker, there are light blue veins across my body that never used to be there. I knew that things would change, but I did not really expect it to feel this way.
I know that people get tired of pregnancy, but I did not expect it t happen this quickly. I am tired of not being thin anymore, I am tired of working out lightly, watching fit girls lift heavy weights and thinking that I used to work out that way, I miss not having to make sure my heart does not go above 140 on the cardio machines, I miss working, I miss a lot of things I did not expect.
Hopefully this is just a passing feeling, brought on by a two day headache and two days of crappy weather. Hopefully watching Steve play squash and watching a cute movie and spending an otherwise quiet weekend will help me feel better about all of this. I am going to take a bath and light a candle and probably cry into the hot water over nothing and that should take care of all these feelings. I had a really upsetting dream last night that I lost the baby and Steve told me the baby had been the only reason he had been with me and left me. I moved back into res and all I wanted was to be with him. I woke up at four and could not get back to sleep. It is so windy outside that I cannot take Milo for a walk because the wind steals my breath. It is just one of those days when you want to be anywhere but inside of your skin. And then a get a twinge of guilt because I am not the only one inside of my skin anymore and maybe I should not be feeling these things, but be focusing on being happy and taking joy from the baby kicks. Which I do, like eighty percent of the time, I just need this afternoon for myself.
wunderwuman at 1:30 p.m.