02.01.06
The blues will be blue and the jealousies green
So last night I dreamed that I was walking around an empty hallway, looking for something. Finally I came across the room I had been looking for and when I walked in, I realized I had stumbled upon and very important math test and how could I have forgotten I had to write this test or else?? So I sat down and looked at the questions (they were about trying to find the angles of triangles) and was relieved that I could probably do alright in this exam even though I had not studied although I did not have a compus which I sorely needed. Suddenly I was in a hotel room and had to help a girl from my home town give birth. The baby was only 20 weeks old but she had to give birth now or else the baby would die inside of her, so she had decided to chance it. Then I remembered that my baby had died and was really sad and I was just waiting to have the miscarriage and then I thought to myself that it had probably been just a dream and in reality my baby was fine so I did not need to be sad until I could take another pregnancy test. No one tells you how crazy your dreams get when you are pregnant.
So as I was laying in bed last night at three thirty with a sore back and cold nose and Steve breathing heavily in my ear and thinking about how having a bad sleep about once a week is not that bad, especially since I can sleep in if I wanted to, I composed an entry in my head. It was good too, all about my fears and worries about this child, about how my behaviour and relationship are going to be what my child perceives as normal and will affect her throughout her whole life. I was sure that I would remember it, because it was really important to me early this morning. But after I got up to turn up the heat (which Steve had turned down to 15. 15! We have since compromised at 17) I relaxed and fell back into a sleep full of crazy dreams and cannot really remember what I found so terrifying after all.
It is true though. When I think about relationships and marriages I think about my parents. Not that they were without their troubles through the years, but they have been together for thirty-some years and are going strong. They have lost siblings and parents and even two cats, they raised three kids who are pretty well balanced most of the time and although they have both driven me absolutely bonkers at times, neither of my parents have ever said anything negative to me about myself or my self image. My mom told me that when we were young, she used to sit beside us as we slept and whisper how beautiful and smart we were into our ears. They always took time to have date night on Friday, even if that consisted of ordering us a pizza and renting some movies and putting us in the basement for the night and having dinner by themselves. They have always taken trips together by themselves, and they have spent summer after summer after summer lugging us around from campground to campground everywhere from the highlands of Cape Breton to Quebec in a pop-up trailer on vacations that, looking back, we not so much of a vacation for them. My mom is my best friend, I talk to her about (almost) everything. She was the first person I wanted to tell (after Steve) that I was pregnant, and it was so hard for me to keep it to myself (and by myself I mean I told Amanda and Jill).
I worry about being a parent sometimes. I want my kids to be well behaved and not saucy and I want them to love me and love my cooking and love their beds and love our family vacations and think that their parents are the most amazing people in the world (until they are about ten at which point I am sure that we will both become pretty stupid and embarrassing for about a decade). I want to make sure they know their manners and know that they are loved. This is the stuff I did not think about until about halfway through my pregnancy. Before that it was eating for two and a due date that sounded so far away and learning about folic acid and moving and Christmas shopping and then all of a sudden I realized that this was more than just a nine month subletting contract.
I went for coffee with a friend from Saint Marys yesterday afternoon (we have a Tuesday afternoon coffee date at Second Cup now, which is fun) and we talked about kids and timing. She told me she was not ready for kids, although she wanted two or three. I said that even if you think you might not be ready, you get ready pretty quickly. She said that there were always options that she would definitely explore and was surprised when I told her those options were not for me. She asked me if I had ever even considered an abortion and was surprised when I told her I had not. I said Steve and I were serious and planning on getting married and having children anyway, this just happened a little earlier than we had planned. She told me that she was not ready, and although she plans on marriage and kids with her boyfriend, now is too early and it is something that she would seriously consider. I shrugged and said it was a personal thing.
Steve and I talked about it last night, about timing and planning your life out. Sure, this is not how I planned my life, settled with a military man, subject to moving every year, pregnant and not married, pregnant at 24, in a serious relationship at 24 for that matter. . . but I am happier than I was in the life I had planned out for myself. Even with Steve, I wanted to go back to school before we had kids and I would have liked to be in a situation where I could have taken maternity leave from a secure job. I would have liked us to have a little more money, or Steve be out of debt, or even own a house. But I think that if you wait until everything is perfect, you might end up waiting forever, because there is always something else. We want to buy a house but we are going to nee a bigger car. We want to get a trailer and a boat, but we need to buy a house first. We want to start putting money away, but there are debts and loans that need to be paid off first. And once we have a house and a trailer and a boat, there will be something else. Another posting to a more expensive city, or a bigger boat or another kid, or putting more money into a college fund every month. It never stops.
So, to change the topic, when should I start buying baby stuff? We have a couple outfits from my mom, some stuffed toys and a couple blankets and quilts. My mom said she bought two fitted crib sheets and some sleepers and is knitting an outfit. We are going to paint the nursery soon and start to set it up in a couple weekends (or whenever Steves mom sends us the rest of the baby stuff), and my mom said she is bringing up the stuff she has when she comes next weekend. I read not to buy too many sleepers and receiving blankets because we will get a lot of gifts. I think Mom is going to have a baby shower for me in July, but by then the kid will be almost into the three to six months clothes. We do not know anyone here, and I think that we will not get too many gifts of sleepers and stuff. There are lots of recommendations in the pregnancy and baby books I have, but what does anyone out there think? How many sleepers do newborns go through in a day anyway? Do you have to change their outfit every time the poop? Every other time? Although I tell myself that we can just go buy some if we feel like we need more, I also feel like I should have enough baby clothes so that we do not have to do more than like, one load a day? (Is that at all realistic?) Ahh, all these baby things. Does anyone read those books for their second pregnancies, or is their target audience first time mommies?
Anyway, Milo is waiting patiently (and by that I mean she is laying in her bed watching my every move) for walk time, but before that I need to do my prenatal yoga, which is long overdue. The stretching helps my back, and my sore back seems to be directly related to how much sleep I got the night before.
I am headed to Waterloo tomorrow afternoon, so I will update with all my fun weekend news on Monday!
wunderwuman at 10:12 a.m.