11.13.02
Would you want me when I'm not myself?
I had a horrible dream last night. My mother was dying of cancer. The only part I remember vividly was me and her and Liam driving back to Halifax in our old van. She had just told us before we left. I was sitting in the passanger seat and Liam was in the very back. He was crying and he said, "I don't remember someone dying to hurt this much." And Mom said, "Remember how you felt when Janette and Nanny died, now you know how I felt compared to that."
I started sobbing and she was making small talk. She asked me if I would go back to Saint Mary's next year and I said no, I would stay home with dad and maybe take classes at X. She smiled, because there's a litle rivarlry between us and our schools. It felt like my heart was breaking inside of my cest, and I couldn't keep my sobs inside. I woke up myself up crying with tears on my face.It was six thirty and cold and rainy. I got up to pee and thought about calling my mom.
Then I went back to sleep and got up for a run in the rain, and a class exercise called a Simulation Exercise which was basically a giant game of Risk, and my country did really well.
I called mom before class, to hear her voice, to ask her if she was okay. She said that Sunday is the second anniversary of my grandmother's death, that the rainy weather is just like it was two years ago, and that's probably what was eating at my subconscious, to make me dream things like I did. As I was running, it's all I could think about, that painful feeling in my chest, that helplessness, it was horrible. But a shwoer and my mom's voice and a good class made me feel better.
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