06.17.02
We didn't start the fire
All day, I had this great entry in my head. It kept slipping in and out, but I didn't have the chance to sneak onto the internet at work and write it all down, and sadly, I've lost it.
Last night I couldn't sleep, and awoke again this morning at 5.30. I was exhausted and sad and homesick all day. I came home to Ann and her smile and laugh as she scrubbed some dirt stains out of the carpet. I changed out of my work clothes, into worn green jeans and a hoody, pulled my hair back in a messy bun, my favourite way to wear it, hopped on my bike and went to a Bronze Medallion/Bronze Cross lesson. I have to do a timed swim, 600 metres in less than fourteen minutes. I was convinced I couldn't do it, but I did. I was one second over, which made me so proud of myself, because I thought I'd be about six minutes over.
Zach called me last night, I had a funny feeling he would. We talked briefly, he didn't have much time. Some moments seem gray, like I'm trapped in a hole below the rest of the world. But most days, most of the time, it's sunny in my mind. There's cute boys to daydream about (yes, it's started already) but I know really, deep down, that's not what I want. There's rugby tomorrow, and more swimming, and camping with my dad and older brother this summer, and going home Friday night.
When I'm in a relationship for a long time, I always start to feel a little lost. Like by giving myself to someone else, I'm losing something. They are smothering, at times. I try not to explain this feeling as relief, because I do miss Zach, I miss the company and the constant physical presence. But I wonder, once your heart breaks for someone, or because of them, can you ever go back? Can you ever give it to them again? Is there a line that once you cross, things can never be the same?
I said for years and years that love wasn't a priority. And for a while this year, I made it one. But love always gets pushed aside for things you need to do. It scares me sometimes, to think that eventually I may push aside a love and make a huge mistake.
I know people who have met boys and known that they will spend their lives together. That has never happened to me. Honestly, I couldn't handle it if it did. I wouldn't know what to do.
There is stress in a relationship, especailly when they don't live in the same town as you. When there's distance and you can't have the reasurrance of physical touch when you need. I doubt the strength of love. Maybe I'm not mature enough for it yet.
At this satge of my life, of most of my friends'lives, everything is so transitive. No one is settled. It's a constant countdwn. Two more years until I leave Halifax. Two and a half months until Eva goes back to Ottawa. Two months until Amanda comes.
I wonder, about this "finding yourself." If you ever can. And the people who say they know who they are, I wonder if they are one-dimensional and aren't looking hard enough. Or maybe we look too hard, for something that isn't there, that doesn't exist.
I strongly suggest that everyone reads "My Ishmeal"by Daniel Quinn.
wunderwuman at