12.12.01

All good people are praying

7.57

He called me tonight. I'm so excited for Saturday. For him to be here. He said he was too. That he wanted me to come over tonight. I asked him to make out and he said, "you went too far away."

I got my hair highlighted today. It's nice, I like the colour now. I need to go for a run to burn some of this energy.

12.23

Dear Zach,

I've been having dreams about almost cheating on you. If there was one boy who I would cheat on you with, it would be Adam. And last night in my dream, I almost did. We were wrestling and he pinned me down and we looked *that* look at each other and he just smiled and kissed my forehead. And I was relieved.

On another note, I tried to write about you last night, and I couldn't. Well, I could have but it wasn't coming easily, so I closed my book and layed in the dark. I called you, because I wanted to talk to you, to tell you about my fears and my feelings for you. But you weren't home, and I think that's probably good, because I may have been melodramatic.

I feel as though I may have made a mistake inviting you here. That it may cement things into something I'm not sure I want. you told me how you respected me, how you knew there weren't a lot of people like me in the world, that you liked me a lot. When it was just me with the feelings, it was ok. I knew how to deal. I've changed my plea from please don't break my heart into please don't fall in love with me.

You see, during these last two anda half years I've rationalized love. Rationalized it out of my life basically. I've made my plans around it. Never let that be a possibility, that I may fall in love again. I just wasn't going to. And now here we are, and I'm feeling these things and it's scaring me. I want to close the door on them and lock it. Say, goodnight, thank you for rearing your ugly head, but that's enough. Say, goodbye Zach, thank you for showing me that love is once again a possibility for me, but right now isn't a very good time. So if you'd please find another girl's head to investigate, I think it would be best for us both.

Anyway, I hope he calls me tonight. I have to do errands for my mom today. She said they would take about an hour and a half. Then I'm going to work out, lift some weights and go for a run.
Somedays I don't even think of you at all.
Love, me

wunderwuman at

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