12.11.01
One foul swoop
9.52
Nothing exciting has happened between now and my last update. I called Zach, but there was no answer and I hung up before the answering machine clicked on. So. I'm going to change my sheets and sleep in the basement tonight, I think. Cause the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow and I don't want to wake up early. I wonder if he's drunk. Fuck I wish he was here. Though I'm a little concerned with some stuff I've been thinking about lately. I talked a little to Amanda tonight. Talked to Ann as well. Told her that yesterday, when he started talking about next year, maybe going to PEI, maybe doing Education. Somewhere other than Halifax, my heart went faster just for a split second. And as I layed in bed last night I thought out a conversation in my head. Thought how I'd tell him that love doesn't help you out any. Being likethis with him, it's great. But I don't want to fall in love. Fall in love, only to have me leave for the sumer, or him leave next year. And then we're both lonely hearts, and I have to spend another two and a half years figuring more shit out about myself, and he'll fnd another girl in a couple of months, cause that's just how he works. I don't wnat love. I'm scared of love. I dunno. Love is a submission. And that can end up really hurting me. And I don't want to be hurt. When I start to thinkabout this stuff I just want to end it all. Ann said these are the times when you have to really concentrate on living in the present. I already know that, doesn't mean I don't ever think about the future. 7.07 So I finished this frame. I'm going to give it just to my Dad for Christmas, I'll give my mom something else. The main reason for that is because I was too excited and proud of it and I had to show someone. So I showed her. And we laughed at the pictures and she told me all the little stories behind each one. I know all of those stories but I love hearing them everytime. But what to get Mum? I love Christmas shopping. Even in the crowded malls, sweating underneath sweaters and winter jackets, kids clomping around in winter boots, mittens hanging out their sleeves, old ladies walking down the mall at the pace of a crawl. I want to call Zach. But I called him yesterday, I have to wait for him to call me. Right. I have to be strong. Ha ha, that's a funny joke. 5.40 Slept for an hour. Woke up went to the bathroom to pee and did a double take when I saw my reflection in the mirror. Such dark hair. Amanda said it would probably fade. Hopefully. Tomorrow once I shower and do it myself, hopefully it lightens a little. I'm sitting here with my cat on my knee. She likes to sit on my knees when I'm wearing jogging pants. Sit and purr and stretch her claws just far enough into the skin of my legs for it to hurt a little but not puncture anything. I'm sort-of excited for this party on Saturday. Right now I'm feeling crampy and pre-menstral, but by Saturday I'll be good as gold. Gold with brown hair. 3.39Phew. Today started at eight thirty, after a strange dream about marrying John Travolta. I went to the hairdressers. My hair is brown. Dark. Brown. As opposed to light blonde. It's a change. A change I'm not sure if i like or not, but changes are good. Aren't they?
Then I went to the mall, Christmas shopping. Only Eva's gift left to buy. Pretty good, I got 99% of it done in one foul swoop. That's what I kept thinking as I walked up and down the mall. "One Foul Swoop." I also bought a pretty sexy red tank-top blouse to wear to my parents party on Saturday.
Then I did some errands for my mom, ran around twon, into the next, back into this one. I should have planned better. Oh well.
And now I'm home again, almost seven hours later, writing and entry then taking a nap. My hair. *sigh* I hate to be such a girl. I hope Zach doesn't hate it. I wish I didn't hate it. Okay, I don't hate it, but I don't like it as much as I had hoped. I'm annoyed and cranky and tired. Fuck.
Rahhhhhh. I'm taking a nap now, goodbye.
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