08.19.01
Loving you is a like a song I replay
This weekend wasn't a party, and it wasn't fun per say, but I got a lot done. I finally re-arranged my room, got rid of the cluttering second bed that I really never knew why I kept so long, threw a bunch of shit away and washed the walls. That took three hours with both Mom and I working at it.
Eva called me last night as I was rummaging through some old shit. We talked for an hour about school, what's happened this summer, what we've come to realize, what we want to do, to be. The best thing about Eva is I can talk and talk and talk, and she'll listen. And another great thing? She can talk as long as she wants; I love listening to her. We joke that we're girlfriends cause we spend so much time together. And we made plans to live in Ottawa next summer changing the world.
She's going to come down next weekend since it's the last time I'll see her till probably Christmas, maybe Thanksgiving. One more weekend to drink and laugh and somke and I'm going to miss her. Two weeks ago I wanted to go back to school. After today, cleaning with my mom, swimming in the pool, laughing at Liam showing off. . . I'm not so sure I'm ready for it to be over.
The question of "What did you do this summer?" My answer is that I grew up. I don't know how to explain it, but all the little thoughts in my head, I dealt with them. I realized that no, my family isn't what it was before, but this is what we are now. And maybe it's still hard, and maybe it still hurts, and maybe we all still cry sometimes in bed alone at night, but this is what it is, and this is much more than just ok.
I even rooted out my old stuffed toys, looked at them (I didn't cry :P), and seperated them into a box of the ones I'm keeping and the ones I'm giving away. Under my bed is clean, my walls are clean, my room has more air in it now. More room for my thoughts to flow. It doesn't feel any less my room yet. I think by this time next year it will.
Eva and I talked a bit about John last night. I try not to mention himtoo much, they don't really hang out now and I can tell by the slight change in her voice, the way she tries to make it a little too casual, that it still hurts her. I told her what we had taken from the appartement, what he was taking to Victoria, and she said, "You're really going to miss him aren't you?" I am. It was the best thing possible that we could have lived together this year. It was something secure for both of us, and we became closer than we ever would have otherwise. Oh look at me getting all sappy now, haha. Ah, every season that passes by, I realize more and more that there's no one like family.
What I'm listening to: Turn Your lights Down Low by Bob Marely and Lauryn Hill (a goddess)
What I'm feeling: some nostalgia, and relief that my room is clean
What I'm wondering: why my cat isn't meowing for supper yet
wunderwuman at