08.13.01
Standing in the world with my mind above
An awesome weekend, really good. I'm glad I got to meet some of Amanda's friends, cause I hear so many stories about them. And I'm glad that we spent some time together, and I'm glad that everything was alright. Even though she said I was foolish to worry about anything, I still worry. Because things change so much so fast sometimes, you wake up and look in the mirror, and sometimes you think "Who am I?" Sometimes I look at myself and wonder when my face began to look like this, and why aren't I used to it yet? Sometimes you re-read something you've written years or even months ago, and you know you're not the same person anymore.
I can't even really explain the concert. It is so cliche, and seems so silly, but it was so powerful. I tried to explain to John how I've never felt the songs like I felt them on Friday, and he told me that's happened to him too, because it's so different hearing a band live. Maybe it's because I'm just a country girl, with only a little under her belt that it was so amazing. But I don't think so. As they were playing the first song, I realized how real it all was. How they're not selling out, which I was afraid of, but that they're just changing. Growing. Expanding, which is good. But sometimes I guess people don't understand that, I didn't really. I feel like I do now. As Amanda said, we're the stuck up fans who don't like fickle un-worthy fans. It may be a little foolish, or as Andrew told me, unfair to the band to want to limit their fan-base. But that's just how I feel. To me, Dave Matthews Band represents something personal, the music they play and the lyrics he writes speaks to my heart, and my mind, and my groin. It's just something more that not a lot of musicians don't give to me. It's too personal for me to share with just anyone, and maybe that is selfish, but it's how I feel, and I'm not sorry or apolegetic for that.
In my drunken stupor Saturday night, I was watching Amanda and her friends with each other. It makes me happy that she's found people who love her and respect her for who she is. I can see that she doesn't have to paint her face to blend in. That she doesn't have to wish she was a different way to be accepted. More than any of her other friends I've seen her with, she was herself with these people. She belonged with them. They all seemed to belong with each other, and it made me respect them all in a weird way, respect that they've found that. *sigh* Whatever.
It feels like Sunday night, and it makes me really happy that it's Monday. I dread going back to work, I dread having to small talk, god I hate small talk sometimes. I'm so glad that I only have nine more days. I can't wait for school to start. Moving into a new bedroom is fun. You get to transform it into your world. From white walls and bare matresses into something that tells anyone who sees it who and what you are. The people coming in, who've never met me bfore, the people who want to look into my soul and see what lies there, my bedroom walls are the first glimpse. Ha. I sound like a fool, that's probably too much emphasis on a poster and a picture. k.
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