08.06.01
She doesn't know he wasn't meant for this
Mom and I talked about growning last night. Shesaid that I've been growing a lot lately. I said that it's funny that the time I feel like I've developed the most is since I've been home this summer. She said it was probably all the little things coming together, that she could tel I was out of my dry spell I've been in the last year or so. That the moment she knew I would be ok was about three weeks ago, she asked me if I found hanging out with Andrew and Jeff boring because they were young. Mentally. I had said everytime before that that I didn't. But this time I said, yeah. . . they are young. i told her it was a little funny to me because if someone who didn't know me or Jeff, they would see two people from stellarton going into our second year at a Halifax university. That physically we are at the exact same stage in our lives, but mentally we aren't even close. And me knowing, well realizing that I don't have to try and make them want me as a close friend. That I'm ok this way, with these friends i have, that symbolizes that I'm ok with me. And that's more important than anything else right now.
I talked about how I was worried about where some of my relationships are headed, they way I sometimes feel as though I'm being coddled, talked down to, thought less of. And she reminded me that everyone needs time to strike out, that relationships aren't always 50/50, no matter what anyone tells you. That love is what keeps you going through the rough stages, when you're at different places. It helps you old on through arrogance, through pain, through anger, through everything. And if you've found love like that, you can't just let it go when it's not easy. Because that's not how realy love works. She made me feel a little more secure.
This weekend was fun, a release on reality. It makes me sad that it's one of the last ones I'll have with Eva until at least Christmas, and I worry about her, about how hard she drives herself towards something she doesn't really want to be doing. And it makes me a little nostalgic that the summer os so close to rounding to a close, this was one of the best summers of my life. Everything that I needed to do, I did. The things that were running around my mind got sorted out and I feel a hundred times better with myself and my life and everything. And I'm really looking foreward to going back to school. k.
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