08.03.01
Days flowing like water
Why are girls so easily blinded by boys? Perhaps not by boys, but by themselves, by what they don't want to be true. When it's me, it's ok. Because I usually don't see it when it's going on, and when it's over I can roll my eyes and say it's all alright, I should have known anyway. Because I've almost perfected hiding things that hurt me inside. Refusing to acknowledge them, not letting people see how hurt I am. If you let someone see they've hurt you, let someone know you care, that makes you weak, gives them an advantage over you, gives them your heart in their hands to break. Hearts are very fragile, not for idle hands, not for people who don't listen, who won't love you, or who will listen and love too much. Sometimes that's even scarier. When it's not my heart, when I can't control who she gives it to, when I want to say, "no, don't. . .he'll hurt you," and I can't. I can't because that's not what she wants to hear, but more importantly, because she's not protective of her heart like I am. She knows it's better to give and you might get. Ahhh, whatever. There's nothing I can do about her and him right now. And even if it turns out the way no girl wants it to turn out, even if that happens, all I can do is say the same words I say everytime and promise her it will be alright.And wonder inside if it will be alright, if it's ever been alright, and if she'll be ok, or if this breaks her spirit a little more each time it happens. Each time she reaches out and touches the wrong spot on the wrong boy. Each time she gets hurt. *sigh*
I got into all my courses. I am so nervous about the Writing Poetry. I feel somehow that Brian Bartlett has some expectation of me because of what he's read before, and what if I can't follow up on that. What if everything I wrote wasn't from me, but from the creative boy I loved at the time? Ah my mother would scold me for saying that. The power of the spoken word, I must support myself. I am a good writer. I am able to write nice poems. Yes. I am trying not to be overly sensitive to what people say to me, to what I interpret to be little digs. From people who love me. I am working on self esteem. I think I'm too proud. Even admitting that my self esteem might be too low, that makes me feel like it's something to be ashamed of. Yes, I inherited pride, stubborn pride, from my grandmother. In fact, Mom called me Doris today. heh. Ah time to start filing. k.
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