05.26.01
It's well worth the wait
Sunshine. Family. A new dye job. Today is great. Minus my body's protest to all physical activity, which I think is caused by my full and sore sinuses, today has been pretty good. My mom left for England. Well, she's on her way to the aiport. Her flight takes off at 9.30. I'll miss her, but it's what she needs. She'll have fun. And I think being here with my Dad will be good for us and our relationship.
Last night I went to the Butler's with them for supper and we had halibut and they had many drinks of Scotch. But I got to hear their stories of 20 years ago, most of which I've heard before but never get tired of. Plus I got to drive my dad's car home, which is always a nice treat.
Today I layed in the sun, went to the hairdressers, and feel asleep on my patio reading a Timothy Findley book. Then my uncle came over for a visit and him and my parents and me drank tea together around the kitchen table. A couple of days ago Mom asked me if I was sad that I hadn't stayed in Halifax for the summer. I said no. And days like these make me even more happy.
Things with Christian, I think, aren't going to change. I want to wish that maybe it was a different time, that I had met him at Christmas or that he would come back from Wolfville tomorrow and tell me that they have broken up. Andrew and my mom told me not to take myself so seriously. I claim that I don't want a relationship for the wrong reasons, but anyone that has the potential of turning into something, I back away from like I'll catch love. Because love is a very very dangerous disease to catch.
I have an open offer from Andrew to go out on a few dates, nothing serious. I talked about it with mom. I think I have a preconcieved notion that only boys who I fall hard for on the first day I see them or the first time they touch me have any potential. And at the same time I don't want to fall hard for anyone. Because I think the reason I have a thing for christian is because he's taken. And that's not good. The only way I'm going to conquer my terror of men is by doing something about it. I'm not going to take myself so seriously. What's to take serious? What's wrong with a date? I told Mom I didn't want anything semi-serious. She said does that mean you don't want to sleep with anyone? That was the first time that I had made that connection, but I think that's part of it. The only person I was ever with who was signifigant ended badly. Maybe I was the one who made it that way, but it started this snowball effect of a fear of something. Physical attraction with intentions of more than one night? Perhaps.
So I told Andrew that we should go out to a movie or something this week. He said like a date? I said perhaps. He said well, a bunch of people or just you and me? I said either one is cool with me. I have to get the notion out of my head that there is 100% pressure to go home to bed with anyone. While a lot of the time there is, with Andrew, there wouldn't be at all.
Take things as they are. Relax. Don't worry about things that you don't need to worry about, Kaitlyn. It's not doing anything good for you at all. So have a good day guys, life is good. I'm going to be 20 in two weeks and this could be my last birthday for all I know. I'm going to enjoy my life for what it is. I don't have to anything to worry about, the things in my life right now are good. Everyone is happy, the spring has brought relief and sunshine to the mourning of those sad sad deaths.
It was a very symbolic year. It started raining the day of Janette's wake, and didn't stop for three weeks. It was wet and awful and then it snowed more than it has in five years. I like to think of it as the tears of angels. And now there must be someone smiling down on us, because the sun is shining and the grass is green and the buds on the trees are opening. This is the first year that I've seen the spring as a re-birth. Signs that things are ok. The boys are coming around. Baseball has started. You can smell sunscreen on people's skin. Freckles are starting to darken on cheeks and noses. Pregnant women are getting ready to birth their babies. As much despair as this year held, I'm beginning to see that it holds just as much happiness. It seems like someone has finally started to answer some prayers. . . . k.
Song of choice today: Long Time Running, Tragically Hip
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