05.25.01
Now I lay me, down to sleep
I prayed last night. Open eyes, looking at the ceiling as I laid on my back in bed, I prayed and prayed and prayed that Ian would be alright. Just a few more years at least, please, before any more deaths. There were enough this year. I did my best to understand and while I dont know that I do, at least I've accepted it.
He got admitted into the hospital a week ago, after a bladder infection turned semetic. Now they're doing tests for prostate cancer. Or did some of them this morning I should say. So he sits in the hospital and waits, Mom packs for her trip to England and waits, and life goes on. No matter what the results of these test, things keep going, life goes on. But for how long?
How much does it take until you give up? How many siblings can one person lose in such a short time? How much betrayal by God can your faith endure?
More than that though. It's beyond my frusteration of not understanding why these sort of things have been happening so much lately. It's more than my anger and confusion that brings me to tears, makes me break down. What about my mom, who's left here afterwards? What about my great-grandmother who has seen too many of her children and grandchildren die before her?
It's not even for sure that anything will show up. Everyone still has a positive outlook on these impending results. Mom said if he's sick, she's not taking her course this summer. I've thought that if he dies, I might transfer to St.F.X. and live at home.
Maybe God is angry. I wrote in a poem once that he was, because I refused to believed. I don't think that way anymore. Because whatever name you want to give things, they're there whether you believe or not. Thsi isn't about me, I know. And I know that if worst comes to worst, I'll survive, I'll make it. But it's not me that I'm worried about. Losing Ian would bring the score of that family to 3-2. That's not very good odds for Mom and Sandy. I've already watched one generation of a family die this year.
I'm sick of death. I don't want it anymore. Please, just give my family a break from it. No more. Give us one year. Just one year when everyone is healthy and no one is worried about their lives, or the lives of their loved ones.
So, to those people who have asked me to pray for them, please don't for a while. I have something else to concentrate on right now, and I can't promise that I'm going to be there for you when you need me. Because at the end of the day, blood is always always thicker than water. k.
wunderwuman at