05.22.01
All I gotta do is breathe in deep
Things in my life must change. Enough of the years of bottling things up. Enough of the years of victimizing myself. I must learn to control and slowly stop these things. I may or may not be a good, nice, pretty person. But I have to stop being ridiclious.
Number one, no boys with girlfriends. I knew that, and I know that now, but there was a momentary lapse where I started to fall for Christian. Started to. Didn't get all the way, courtesy of him or me I'm not quite sure. Or perhaps I don't want to think about the answer.
I would like to date him if he didn't have a girlfriend. But he does. And that's that, and I know that he isn't going to do anything to change the way things are. Boys, especially fickle 19-year-old boys, are not going to turn down the attention of a girl. Girlfriend or not. They won't turn her away. If I were to do nothing and flirt with him all day, all week, all month, all summer, and invite him to get high, and try and convince him to go to the bars, things would stay the same. If I got him drunk enough he might make out with me. Is that really what I want? Do I think that's my best offer? Do I think that I don't deserve anything more? No, I don't think that.
Granted my love life has been pratically non-existant for the last two years, but that doesn't mean I am going to become one of "those" girls. You know, the ones who everyone pities. Tagging along after a boy who has no intention of taking her up on her full potential. I'd rather be alone then be with someone who doesn't see my full potential. What about when I'm alone and can't see my own full potential. . ?
It's hard. For a while near the end of school I started to feel like I had a grasp on things, that my life was headed in a certian direction and I knew what direction that was. Then school stopped. Then my mother started planting ideas of switching majors in my mind. Then I started to feel like things were slipping. Now I feel like I'm swimming and when I get almost close enough to reach the shore, the tide only sweeps me out farther than I used to be. I'm scared sometimes that I'll lose sight of the shore, and won't know which direction to swim.
What I would say to my parents if I weren't so afraid of the consiquences: I'm really confused. I don't know how to deal with the things I've been feeling. I don't know if they're feelings of depression or my last few months of teenage angst. I'm ashamed of things in my life that you've worked so hard to give me. I resent what you two represent to me, because I'm terrified getting lost along the way to conquering my dreams and becoming what you are. I'm scared because I don't even know what my dreams are anymore. Nothing seems normal anymore. Too many people are missing in this family now, and too many people don't get along, and nothing's like it used to be and sometimes I wake up and wish I was never born so that you wouldn't miss me when I'm gone. I keep trying to talk about how I feel, and I convince myself that this time I can. But then the words always get stuck in the same place in my throat. I'm sorry because you think that I'm a good admirable person and it hurts me to know that you don't see me for what I really am. Just me. Not my mother's daughter, not a girl who sometimes drinks too much. Not a woman who has her life on the track to sucess. Not an accomplished poet, not the best writer you've ever read.
I think I would like to talk to someone. I don't know what the oc name is. A social worker? A psychologist? A shrink? But John is. You start the two to one ratio and I know my parents are going to feel guilty. That they've done something wrong. So I sit in silence. And even though I profess change, I never make the move to do anything about it. k.
wunderwuman at