05.17.01
I love who you ain't
Nathan and I were supposed to go four-wheeling today, but due to the rain and the cold, we decided it was best not to go. I had my evening planned out perfectly. Smoke a joint, watch West Wing, exercise, take a shower, then go to see Enemy at the Gates with my boy. I was sucessful up until the second step. After West Wing was over, I didn't feel like moving, so I watched the Simpsons. Then Nathan called, and I decide to bail on him and go to bed early again tonight.
So instead of out being sociable, here I sit, my head completely into a virtual conversation with Christian Cooper. Isn't that what these computers are for? To lure you away from the sun, from your old lifestyle, from human contact, as they replace everything in your life with something faster and easier. Insta-friends. Insta-glue. Insta-bonds.
I tripped out harder than I ever have on weed two nights ago. Christian came over and we got high. The planned evening was supposed to go as follows: Christian comes over. We talk for a bit. We smoke a few joints and are nice and high. We become very conscious of the other sitting beside me/him on the couch. Our hands inch closer as the tv plays. Eventually our hands our touching in that 15 year old way that leaves your heart pumping and you pretending not to notice the contact.
That would have been enough. I'm not giving up hope that it won't happen, I can feel him interested. Maybe it's not him that I like. It's the challenge of getting a boy away from a girlfriend that he likes a lot. It's a power trip. What more could you want? How much more desirable could you feel? To ruin that. To have the power over that. Oh god, that's awful. That was the drugs talking. . .I swear.
I was going to write about my trip, I was going to tell Amanda about it. But I never get around to it. I think that drug trips are your subconscious and the fears you bury there coming out into the front of your mind. There is always something relevant to your past and your present in them. I trip out about my fears. The mildest thing can start one. Like feeling off the whole day and then feeling unsure about being alone high with Christian. I'm pretty sure that's why I tripped out so bad. It's good to get this off my chest. i haven't stopped seeing what I was seeing, or I should say the way I was seeing the world. It was through a hand held movie camera, my life was a movie and I couldn't escape. Christian seemed like a young punk-ass teenager who brought a bong he made that represented the evil he carried with him. It was as ugly as hell, and started to remind me of a spider that was watching it's prey. That prey was me. I started to shake, and I was trying to keep still so that he wouldn't see me shaking. I kept feeling like he wanted me to move over to the couch to sit beside him, which is what I had wanted to do before everything got so scary. And what I wish now that i had been able to do. But instead I feared what would happen. My head started to swirl and I got really dry in my throat and all of a sudden I was really really afraid of being there with him. So I walked into the kitchen and got a glass of water and went to the bathroom and tried to calm myself down when I realized that I said I'd drive him home and that there was absolutely no way I could get behind the wheel. I went back into the tv room and asked what timeit was and everything, eventually I said I had to crash and did he want money for a cab? He wouldn't take any andI felt bad. Once he left, I threw that bong in the trash can and double bagged the trash and put it outside on the step. I felt like the spirit of evil was going to emerge from that bag and come get me while I slept.
Since then things haven't felt the same. I don't know if it's me and how that trip affected how I saw him and everything, or if he felt something off too. All I can really say is that he felt really really wrong to me.
This leads me to believe I was just trying to fool myself about the way I feel for him. I know it was drug induced, and I know that I've never ever been that high in all my marijuana years, but during that time everything felt prefectly clear. He was not a good place for me to be.
As much as I still have feelings of interest in him, I can't get that feeling out of my mind. I can't stop picutring him that way. Some force of evil. I want him to come over, I want to smoke with him again, but not like that. On my terms. Just a joint or two. Smoking for the beauty not smoking to get blitzed. But I'm afraid to. I'm afraid to be one on one with him here at night when there's really no way to escape. I know in my head that nothing would happen, probably not even a kiss if he sensed even the slightest bit of hesitation in me. Because he has a relationship that he doesn't want to fall apart here.
I don't know where that weed took my head, but it's gone. I smoked more last night and tonight and both times it's had a different effect as the first one, but both were the same. I want to get into my pj's, turn on the tv, and close the world out. I'm tired of playing games with people, trivial or not. I'm tired of acting like I care. I'm tired of these layers of me that are yet to be discovered. I'm tired of being talked to about drugs or music or writing or school or drinking or computers or deletions on SAP or vacation pay or funny little forewards or boys. I'm tired of thinking about all those things. I'm tired of feeling like there's something more to me than other people I know. I'm tired of feeling different, of feeling like I'm the odd man out. I'm tired of being deep.
So I've decided to quit. This search for self. I'm done. This looking for a deeper meaning in things. I'm finished. No more thought provoking music or books. No more philisophicla talks while high. I just want to be normal. I jsut want to be like everyone else seems to feel. I'm the same as them. I'm selfish like them. I'm out for only me like them.
I don't know what this is. I'm too high to be making sense. I'm going to watch Friends. k.
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