05.16.01
If you want me to, boy I could lie to you
I think I've come to a conclusion. Another page full in the story of my life. I don't think I want Christian. Well, maybe that's not 100% true. I should say that I want him for the things he's not going to give me. If I were to get involved with anyone this summer, I don't want it to be serious, or stressful or anything I much have to think about. I just would want to go on some dates, dance at the bars, smoke some pot together, see each other every couple of days. Boys with girlfriends can't give you those things. The presence of their girlfriend either in his mind or yours, puts an uneasy feeling on what you're doing. It creats a standard you either make or don't, and both results could be detremental to you.
That's why I reccomend staying away from boys involved wth someone else. Not because of the moral issues, because i don't think those are that important (relevant to the situation, of course), but because Christian won't be who I want him to be. He won't act the way i want him to act. He does act the way I want him to act. And I like him. I haven't decided if I'm into him for real or if i just want to be friends, though. But I'm not prepared to give him at least as much as his gets from his girlfriend now, I'm not prepared to promise him things. And that's why I'm not prepared to get involved with him.
I guess I'm lonely, but the days pass by and every morning my eyes open, so I get out of bed and shower and go to work and come home and eat supper and go to bed. Wake up, repeat. Amanda said that I've been through a lot this year, and that not many people can get through things like that with grace. I wouldn't call it grace. I'd call it lack of other options. You survive. Until the day you don't wake up, what can you do but keep going? I guess lately i'm just not sure if I'm moving at all, let alone going foreward.
So maybe Christian's not what i need, but this leads me to believe that i'm not what he needs either. And realizing that someone doesn't need you always hurts a little. k.
wunderwuman at