05.15.01
I want to be me again
I've been reading http://chair.diaryland.com and I find it really inspiring. Today she wrote about the time around age 14 where you forget your childhood. That happened to me. But then around age 15 I went away to school. For the first time in my life, felt one hundred percent accepted for who I was, nothing less, maybe a little more. But I also felt a little ashamed of where I came from. I'm not sure why. But I thought my life up until that point would be seen as candy-coated and innocent. Which I guess it was, to a point. So I hid it. And I told people little about my life before Kings. And the people at home I told little of my life at Kings. And I was sure that if I could just keep those two worlds seperate, then no one would find out the truth. That I wasn't who I said I was.
There came a point in grade 12, after Jimmy and I had broken up and the foundations to my world shook a little. . . ok, they shook a lot. But I started to realize that both worlds were who I was. And who I was would eventually be ok. So I introduced some of my Kings friends to my friends at home. And my life didn't blow up as I had origionally thought it would.
There are still parts of my life that I don't share with certian people. I don't know why. I do know why actually. Because I'm afraid of how they might perceive me. Deep down I'm still scared that they will think I'm on some higher mission and have everything I could want laid out for me. And I guess to some people I do. But that's my biggest fear. People thinking that I'm a snob because of my name. You would think that I would have gotten over this by now.
Last night I had a dream that made me cry when I remembered it in the shower today. Michael and I were waiting in line to get our marks back from school and he came up to me and gave me a big hug. He said, "Kaitlyn, I don't care about what these marks are. All I care about is that my mom is waiting outside for me, and she's coming home." And I looked outsdie and Mom and Janette were there. The dream went on with irrelevant things, and when I went outsdie she was gone. I asked Mom where she went and the answer was that she was tired and had to go home.
This dream came back to me in the shower this morning and it stopped my heart. I almost cried, then realized that I didn't have time to cry today. So I continued with my regular morning schedule. That's the story of my life lately. I don't have time to do the things I need to do. I'm not that pressed, but can't seem to ever find the time to tell people how I feel about them. To write poems, to walk in the woods. I feel that in all of this growing up that I had no other choice but to do this year, I've lost something essential. Something that made me. And I wish it would come back. And I wish I was me again. k.
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