05.11.01
I never meant to bring you to my world
Well, I'm not so up in the air as I was yesterday about this whole thing. He likes his girlfriend, but it's not love. I think he's interested in me, and wants to get to know me more. But because he invited me out with him and his friends and girlfriend, I know that this could be "she's one of the boys." Which I'm cool with.
She's not into oral, she doesn't get high. So, although any sex is good, I can only assume that it's rather boring sex. Someone who won't give head probably won't do any dirty positions, is what I'm thinking. I know he's not going to ditch her for me today or tomorrow or even next week. He's a cool guy and even if nothing happens with us, I'm starting to think that might be better because we'll develop a commoradorie that can last for longer than sexual tension.
On the other hand, I'm pretty sure he's sort-of into me. At least interested. She's here this weekend, and I know he'll be into her. But he asked me to get high with him, and someday soon him and I are going to get high together, and he asked me to do shrooms with him and his friends. Bringing a new girl into a group of boys. . . is that as one of the guys or as a possible interest?
Perhaps, I said too much when I said I was less confused. I'm not confused actually. It's more of an up in the air thing. I'm just going to take things as they come. If he flirts with me and it comes to nothing, I'll flirt back and we'll become friends. There is nothing at all wrong in the world with friends. If he flirts with me and one night tries to kiss me, I'll kiss him back, and take things from there.
I told Amanda not to worry that Richard was coming, and she said that's next to impossible. I do worry about things, a lot, but this isn't going to be one of them. I just put it out of my head. I have to get a good look at this girlfriend tonight, but from what he says about her, I really don't see her as much of a threat to mine and Christian's friendship/relationship. Whatever that may turn into.
Amanda pointed out that if I can get him away from her this easily, then in September another girl will get him just as easily. I say, agreed. But it's not going to last as long as September. I don't fall in love and I don't do long distance. A little nookie for the summer and someone to talk to is all I'm looking for. He doesn't have what it takes for me to fall in love. It won't happen. To tell the truth, I doubt how close it will actually come to that. Look at my track record. I'm not into romance, I'm not into long-term. It just doesn't happen to me. And I'm ok with that, because I've made the bed I lie in. I just want to lie in it with Christian for a while this summer. k.
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