05.10.01
No more angry entries
No more writing in anger for me. I've felt the regret that I don't like feeling. So I'll keep my nasty little thoughts to myself. Cause sometimes I do have these nasty little thoughts. . . And sometimes they're dirty little thoughts. Like when I was flirting with Christian today on messenger and cursing his girlfriend for coming here this weekend. I was thinking of going to Windsor next Friday for the long weekend, but then I realized that my parents will be gone, so I decided to invite Eva up here for a little alcohol inspired fun.
But Christian *sigh*, boy, what's up with you? I know you'd get with me, but you seem to like your girlfriend a lot (him saying he was "big time" excited for her to come today brings me to this comclusion). Though I could fool myself and say it's only for the nookie, I don't honestly believe that.
I've always said you can tell the difference between flirting for fun and flirting with intentions. But this time I can't. So I don't know how to act, or re-act, as the case may be. Usually when I don't think I can tell if a guy's interested in me, it's me convincing myself he wants something more, sees something more in me, when he really doesn't. Maybe he thinks I'm cute, maybe he'd like a booty call. But I have a problem with that.
We were going to get high together last night, and I think we would have kissed. But due to the lack of drugs, there was also a lack of kissing. BUT have no fear, because Mummy and Daddy are leaving on Saturday mid-morning, which leaves the house to lil'ol' me for two long weeks. That's plenty of time for some kissing. Or even just smoking drugs would be fine by me. heh. Anyway, I'm thinking of inviting him over for a puff or two and then in a house by ourselves, with sexual tension in the air (magnified by the drugs), one thing may lead to another. I of course, don't plan on doing much more than kissing him (no oral sex this means). I'm trying my best not to let boys who I want something more than one night with into my pants too fast. It's too easy to do that, because I want to. I'm not being pressured into it, and not "letting myself go" it's just that nookie is oh-so-nice sometimes.
There are certian boys that I want to respect me. Andrew, Jeff, Heighton, and these boys are now off limits to me. Because being easy doesn't make you cool in their books (which is sort-of what I used to think). So I am a good girl. Or I wish I was. I guess I'm not that bad. But the thought of making out in the bathroom, yow, that does me in. Whether I would chicken out, the jury's still out on that one. I know I'm rambling. I'm sorry.
So, I don't know exactly what to do. While I would like a little booty call, I know I'm not cut out to be any boy's fire on the side. And I don't know that I would have the right to ask him to break up with his g/f. Once I get with him everything will change, I know this. I'll lust after him for a while yet, no matter what happens. But is it better to lust after him after we've gotten together and feel that our fling is relevant enough to get mad at him when he doesn't break up with Elissa (because I can't count on him doing that, boys are fickle fickle and take sex wherever they can get it, remeber that, girls). Or is the best choice to deny all those emotions which are perhaps more properly defined as hormones, and be a strong independant woman?
Sometimes I get so damn tired of putting on the face of a strong, independant woman. Any suggestions or advice, please, leave a message. k.
wunderwuman at