05.04.01
These days get so long
Nothing much to say. I went down to Jeff's last night to watch Survivor. Andrew Heighton was there for a while. We didn't say anything to each other but I caught him looking at me a couple of times, though I couldn't tell what he was thinking.
Ann thinks we'll end up married. I think it's just one of those can't live with, can't live without situations. It's not like the way I feel about him blows my mind, in fact last night I felt litle for him. He's like a constant promse of satisfaction that never becomes more than that. It doesn't develop into something more. He never becomes my muse. I don't think he ever will. There's something inside him that matches with something inside me. He's the one I could too easily settle for. And that's why I don't want to be with him this summer.
But we didn't even talk to each other while sitting in the same room for forty-five minutes last night. Then he went to work, and the rest of us kept watching Survivor.
I still don't feel much these days, still feel a little lost within myself. I'm not doing anything about it, I realize that. But to tell the truth, i don't really know where to start. I guess I don't really have that much faith in myself anymore. Well, I don't know that I ever did.
Sometimes I feel like my face betrays me. People think you're someone you're not based on how you look, based on how many boys they know that you've kissed. I could kiss Jeff. I see him looking at me too. But I think it's just because he's trying to figure me out. Me, the mystery woman. Sounds a little romantic but it's really a little pathetic. That's me, a little pathetic. Thought I shouldn't be saying negative things about myself. My mom wants me to read a book about the Four Agreements and find faith and ove within myself. I tell her I have already found those things. I don't know if she believes me or not. k.
wunderwuman at