03.18.01
Maybe I'm a witch lost in time
It is obvious to many that my life is starting to come together. A foot in the door you might say, by the three poems that will appear in this year's anthology. Knowing what is going on for the summer and next year. And though it's less to worry about and I don't know. . .I just, why am I feeling like this then? It's not that I'm not happy. Because when I look deep as I can into myself, I am. Or at least satisfied. And what more can I ask for right now? Decent marks fr first year, a good job set up for the whole summer, I don't have to worry about money. But deep down there's something missing. Something deep that was from a long time ago and now it's scarred and healed and caloused and hidden by the passage of time.
I realized last night by watching Tony and his girlfriend, I want him but it couldn't ever be anything, even if she wasn't in the picture. Because I don't know how to explain to someone what the inside of my mind is like. I've lost the inocence of feeling that being open about everything can only benifit.
It's fear of being hurt again. Fear that I'll be the fool again. The one left crying and writing bad love/hate poems through my tears. I'm scared because I can't do that again. I don't know if I'd make it. no, I know I'd probably make it, but it's not worth the heartache. And confusion and hate all all those bad feelings. But I hear it won't ever be like that again. It won't ever hurt that much again. And I wish he was my true love. I really do. But maybe that's because I've been there and he doesn't scare me. I could tell him how I feel without the fear that he won't understand me. Because he will. Or at least he has and so I assume that it would have the same effect the second time around. But it's the past. And I know that.
I'm really happy that we can talk again. Really happy that it's moved to a new point. Because this is what he wanted all along. And I guess this is what I wanted too, I just didn't know how to go aout getting there.
So here we are. I don't know what will happen next. Maybe things will stay like this forever. Maybe there are more changes to be had. But at least it doesn't feel like everything is up in the air with him. It's something concrete. It's something sure. And that's really good for me right now because I need things to be concrete for me, or else I would fear falling apart.
A well needed heart-to-heart with my mom. My angel in discuise. My guide on the rollercoaster of life. Cause everyone's living in a rollercoaster and at least I'm lucky enough to have her here to help me. She helps me stay grounded. Lets me explain how I feel and guides me.
Today we talked of inner voices. Be that God or your spirit or just your conscience. The higher power that I have no doubt exists. But God? I don't know. I really don't. And I wish I did. But if I lead a good life and follow what my inner strength tells me to do, even if I'm a bit unsure about the name or historical events of that inner spirit, hopefully that will be enough for when I die. That I can die without that terror of the unknown that Doe experienced.
I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of tears lately. Not sad or even emotionally psychotic tears, but every emotion I try to express seems to make my eyes will up. But I have to go to bed now. Peace.
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