1.11.09
Our Deepest Fear Is that we are Powerful Beyond Measure
So, I solved my clothing dilemma by rooting around in my own closet and discovered some pleasant surprises. I tried on my gray Mexx suit (bought five years ago) and to my delight, it fits. I paired it with a fushia silk blouse I had (four years old) and it was too bright for cold stormy January. And so I layered with a cashmere blend gray and pink argyle sweater my mom got me for Christmas, and voila, I look put together and stylish, and for the whopping price of being too proud to get rid of that shuit because by God it was expensive and I will wear it again.
I've never been a big black person. I just can't wear it. I mean, everyone has their black slacks, but as far as blazers go, I've always prefered a warm charcoal to black. At least with a dress, you can go sleeveless or v-necked to break it up a little. Other things I can't wear? White blouses. I spend my three years of high schoolw earing white blouses and I've tried every cut and style since then. It's been ten years, but when I put on a white blouse, I'm left feeling awkward and self-conscious, much like my 17 year old self. Also: white blouse and black pants make me feel like a caterer.
I had the best LBD (Little Black Dress) once. I paid too much for it, but I wore that thing for at least four years straight, from everyday office wear to Christmas parties, banquets, job interviews... seriously. It was my first LBD and I wore it until that black started to fade and get nubbly. I am now on a quest for a new one.
That's kind of how I feel about clothes. I don't have an excessively buldging closet, but what I have is good. It's not so mich the name brand as the quality I go for. But I'd much rather have one awesome suit, one amazing dress and a couple pair of great shoes and have filler of $20 blouses and jewellery than spending the same amount of money on a ton of inexpensive clothes. It makes for less seletion, but it also allows me to pull a five year old suit out of my closet and it still be current. I'm far from a fashionista, but I'll have you know, I spent the fall watching What Not To Wear (before we cut back our cable SIGH I miss you Clinton) and I've beent rying to look a little more put together than I used to.
Other than that, I've been getting asked about other children a lot lately. When Leila was eight months old, I went through a brief period of thinking she might be our only child. Before she was a year, I knew I wanted more, but between eight and ten months, I thought I might be done. I am so there now. After all my hard work, I am finally at a place where I am overall quite happy with my body. I think I look good in my clothes, and on the good days, I think I don't look too bad naked (if you dim the lights and maybe squint your eyes so things look a little fuzzy and don't look directly at my stomach and actually, why don't I just keep my shirt on for this part, Steve?...). The thought of being pregnant again, well, it makes makes me think of how tired I would be. Hell, I'm happy when Alena only wakes once at night, I just don't think I have enough evergy left for more babies.
(I'm not going to put a precursor in here about how being a mom is the most important job, because I think anyone who reads here knows how dedicated I am to my children.) And the fact remains that I want a life outside of my children. Did I mention I'm going back to school in September? I'm going to get a BComm with a major in HR... I already have a BA (from the same school), so I can do it in half the time. I'm only going to start with two classes, but I want it done in three years. And by then Alena will be four, and I'll get a job, probably part time for a couple years and then we'll get a Nanny once the girls are both in school and I'll go full time and I'll be mid-thirties and I'll be able to focus on a career. Ideally.
I get caught sometimes (okay, often) between not really knowing what I want and what I think other people think I should want. Whether I think they think I should want to me a full time permanemt SAHM, or maybe I feel that they think I should have had children so young. My older brother filled out a silly quiz on Facebook and he wrote, "Although I know they love their children and are happy with the life they've built, when I see people with young children I can't help but think, 'You're trapped.'" And I was hurt, because obviously I took it personally. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that what bothered me wasn't that my brother doesn't really want children, it's that I immediately felt like he was talking to me. And so what if he feels that way about parents? It doesn't change how much he loves his nieces, nor should it affect how I see my life.
I get the same sort of paranoid defensiveness when I spend time with my single/childless friends. I feel like they think I'm boring, or that I've settled for a life I felt obligated to settle in. And while I'll never truly know how other people perceive my marriage or my life, me presuming that they don't approve is as insulting to them as it would be to me if they assumed I thought they should be looking for someone to marry and have children with.
I guess all of these insecurities stem from deep down inside (the dark place). Steve tells me there's no reason I should feel so bad about myself, get so utterly down on myself the way I am want to do sometimes. He tells me that to other women looking in, I'm the perfect mom, I'm superwoman. And I can't help but think, God, if someone were ever so foolish to see me as that, than truly, no one can be perfect.
I'm not sure why down deep there are such insecurities, I just know they've always been there. It isn't a lack of career at 27. Because I felt the same way about myself when I was 14. I would look into my eyes in the mirror, try to see myself objectively and think, "I'm not ugly. I might even be pretty." But it was always there, the voice. And oh man, that voice is mean. It's horribly mean.
Overall, I listen to that voice less. Maybe because I'm too busy to spend an hour looking at myself in the mirror, or maybe because I'm starting to be able to look at my accomplishments and know that if I'm happy with myself, it doesn't really matter what other people think.
Steve helps me, we talk about each others strengths, but more than that he reminds me that no words he can say will make me believe what he sees, it has to come from inside. He told me that if I make of list of my strengths and instead of pushing them aside because of being worried that others might not agree, I realize that they are my God-given gifts.
Two years ago, my New Years Resolution was to be nicer to myself. And now, two weeks into 2009, my New Years Resolution is to let myself thrive in the places I know I can. It's to let me love myself. Because who am I not to?
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
wunderwuman at 9:07pm