12.01.08
I am prone to worrying
Firstly, oh my wow, how is it December?
I had a loooong entry written last night and then my computer crashed, grrrr and I lost it all. Both girls are asleep now, so I think I have time to catch up.
The WW game is feeling like an uphill battle. The trend over the past month and a half or so, has been loose one week, gain the next, back and forth. The greater number is still going down, but I'm having trouble embracing this as a Healthy Lifestlye instead of a never-ending diet.
I've lost all my baby weight and am generally happy with my body. There's nothing that running, doing some weights and acceptance of the fact that I bore two children within two years and am much closer to thirty than I am to twenty won't take care of. My problem is this: Originally my goal was to get lifetime. That entails reaching your "Healthy Weight Range" as decided upon by Health Canada (mine is within 141 lbs to 114lbs) and then staying there for six weeks. I am 142lbs now. So one more push, and I'm over the thresh hold. However, I've been floating between 143 and 141.2 lbs (seriously, I was *so* close!) for abut a month and just can't seem to get there. Steve thinks I should stop doing it, and focus on strengthening and toning, since this yo-yoing (for lack of a better word) is frustrating and somewhat demoralizing. And part of me agrees with him, part of me would love to throw in the towel and the points tracker, eat healthy without obsessing, lift weights three times a week without knowing I'm going to gain 0.5lbs and who cares since it's not body fat except I care because it keeps me from my goal. Also, I'm worried about losing the accountability of checking in each week. I'm only 5'2" and I've always weighed on the heavier side of my healthy range. Even before children, I floated between 132 and 140lbs. I played sports and I have a half decent amount of muscle in my body and that's just me, I'm not a naturally light person, even though I'm "petite" (read: short with no waist to speak of). I just can't eat ice cream a couple times a week, and I can't let myself snack too much during the day and I'm afraid that without someone else reading the number on a scale to me each week, I'll slowly slip.
Sure, there is some more weight I could lose. My stomach still rolls and my thighs are still soft and blah blah blah, but I also know by the time the half marathon rolls around, I'll have shed that five pounds I have to get to my goal weight. I also know that in order to get the body I want, I am going to have to start weight training, which is going to make the number go up again. I'm not number obsessed, I swear, just frustrated about my conflicting goals. It feels like I have to choose between getting stronger and getting lighter. And while the choice seems quite obvious to me, I hate to quit now, since I set my goals after pregnancy and really want to reach them. (Also, in the future if I gain some weight, it makes going back to weight watchers much cheeper when you are a lifetime member). So that's where I am.
In other news, I am very concerned about the state of the world these days. It's something that no one in my day to day life seems to be talking about except my dad and Steve, but holy cripes things are looking bad. I'm nervous about buying and selling a house at times like these, I'm second guessing if I should go back to school next September, since maybe I should just work and get some money into the bank or even one of these.
And also: Canadians, can we talk about what's going on at Parliment Hill lately? What's scarier: Stephen Harper's harsh politics, or the threat of Stephane Dion as (God help us) PM?
Lastly: I made a new playlist yesterday for my run, and two songs I was seriously digging were Walk of Life by Dire Straights and Lay It On the Line by Divine Brown.
wunderwuman at 1:24 p.m.