10.29.08
I'm so tiredzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
You know those decisions that are so hard to make, and the worst thing about them is that no one else can make them but you?
I feel really overwhelmed lately, for no particular reason other than the continuous river of Things to be Done. Alena is sleeping horribly, and while Steve is MORE than ready to let her CIO in a major way, I just feel that she's too young. That is until five o'clock rolls around and she has been nursing for an hour, batting her eyelashes at me and while I love holding her in my arms I know that the chances of me getting anymore sleep and dwindling as the minutes roll by and really, I just don't want to start my day at four o'clock.
Her appetite has increased and I can no longer pump off enough milk for her bottle. My best was about five ounces, and she now polishes that off and looks for more. I don't have a chance of getting anything off after our early morning nursing sessions as of late, because she empties my breasts. I'm considering mixing formula in with the breast milk to top up the bottle, I'm considering (very seriously) night weaning her until at least four a.m. If I can sleep from ten until four, at least that's six consecutive hours which helps. And on the very tired days, I'm considering weaning her within the next month. So what to do, what to do?
Basically, it boils down to fatigue. To feeling like I just can't keep up with the rest of my life because I'm not getting enough sleep. Forget Weight Watchers or running, I don't have enough energy to mop the bathroom floor even though the whole bathroom has the faint smell of old pee. And let's not talk about sex drive, because there is only one thing I want to do in bed and it doesn't involve anyone else's body parts. Not to mention my coveting of pretty bras, of nice sweaters that are not boob-accessible. Or even having a few glasses of wine one night and not feeling guilty about it for days. But then again, maybe this will all pass if I had a week of six-hour-night sleeps.
So I think I'll start strictly implementing our plan of two weeks ago that I got lazy about and abandoned. I'll cut out the ten o'clock feed. Then the two o'clock... and then deal with the four o'clock once I feel a little more... human. Less likely to cry at the drop of a hat. Less likely to rip Steve's head off if he talks to me before I down numerous cups of coffee/tea/vodka/whatever will take this tired, tired edge off.
I know I'm not *really* ready to wean (am I?) I just feel like I need some support, someone telling me I'm doing ok at all of this, that one day, I won't be so tired. That and a day off. Which, happily enough I am getting! Next week, I am going to book the girls into the Casual Child Care offered on base from nine until eleven thirty. I'll supply bottles and diapers and snacks and I am going to go sit in Starbucks and read a book and drink a coffee until the stores open and then I'm going Christmas shopping BY MYSELF and I'm going to get it all done and take my time and not push a stroller or hold a sticky little hand and ahhhhhhhhh, the freedom. And then I'm going to come home, feed my kids and put them in bed for the afternoon and I am hope hope hoping that a few hours by myself will nip this mood in the bud.
Other than that, Leila is excited about Halloween, we are visiting the in-laws on Sunday, and really... why did I waste time typing this I should have been napping while Alena did....
wunderwuman at 10:17 a.m.