10.24.08
Reflection
Steve's been working all evenings this week and after the exhausting two hours that is five until seven and the girls are both soundly sleeping, I've been really bored. So, I've spent a lot of time on the internet, Facebook specifically.
I've looked through photos of people I haven't seen in over a decade, who I wouldn't really care if I never saw again, and yet here I am, creeping through pictures of weddings, children, party nights.
It's brought back a lot of memories though, looking at all these people from high school, most where one would have expected them to be, some not. One girl in particular, I was so, so jelous of her.
See, I had this boyfriend, who was kind of a twat, looking back on things, the main problem being that I was way more invested in the relationship than he was. I was looking for Love with a capital L, for staying up late on the phone, for talking about forever, for a 17-year-old's fix of drama. And he was happy with that too, for a while. Realistically, until I got a little too clingy. When I think about the way I acted then, well, it's a little embarassing, but anyway, it was what it was. So this boyfriend, he had "feelings" for other girls and while it never came up, I'm not completely sure that he didn't cheat on me. Anyway, this girl was one of his crushes, or "good friends" as he called them. She pranced into our school in grade 12, she was thin and tall and beautiful, she was shy and a talented artist and smart and a track star and it seemed to me like she stole everything from me that should have been mine and mine alone. I spent a lot of time being angry at her, with her, because of her. I blamed her for so many things that were wrong in a relationship that didn't have a chance of survival from the beginning. Anyway, she added me as a friend on facebook, so I looked through her pictures, of her wedding and whatnot. And I felt sad for the broken little girl I must have been to have blamed her for all those things. Make no mistake, I made no secret of the way I felt about her, and for that I feel bad, too. Because what was she doing other than living her life on the track team, in art class, making friends...
When I think about it like that, looking back on who I used to be, on the ways I've grown up over the past ten years, the past five years, I'm proud of who I am. Even when Steve and I got together, I was jealous of a lot of people, not just women, but his guy friends too. Obviously, I see now that it was a lack of confidence, but that's hindsight for you.
We were sitting in the bathtub a few weeks ago, and I asked Steve if he's different now than he was ten years ago. He said he's wiser. I said I am calmer, more centered.
That about sums it up really. Time has gone and flown by, ten years has already passed, and the next ten will go faster, I'm sure, because I'm trying to hold onto it tighter now. I'm the same, I really am, and the same things are important to me. And yet, I'm so different than how I used to be.
I found someone to talk to, and sure we never stay up until the wee hours of the morning talking anymore, but he's there, he's always there for me. And the girls, these two precious beings for whom I am completely responsible, the reason I am pretty sure that God put me on this earth. All the things I so desperately wanted to find in that high school boyfriend, the things that in my heart I knew weren't there, I have found.
We haven't talked in years, but one of the last conversations we had, he told me that he hadn't had a girlfriend since me. He told me that we were young, but what we had was so special, he hadn't found it again. And I felt so sad for him, because when we were together, I wasn't enough for him, I couldn't give what he needed (whatever that was) and I tried so hard that I was broken over it for years. But I moved on. And with that one statement, I saw that he was (is?) still running in the same circle, still chasing the thing that is just out of his reach and wasting what is in front of him.
It's always different, when you're the one looking in, and who knows what people see when they watch my relationship with Steve. These quiet past few nights have proven a lot of opportunity for reflection.
Now, however, I'm starting to get bored of reading about half-marathon training and looking at pictures of people I barely know. I guess these evenings alone are good practice for when Steve leaves the military for retail.
wunderwuman at 7:02 p.m.