3.28.08
Just a little longer
I snapped at Steve last night, because he was planning a friend's bachelor party for this summer, and it's the second summer in a row he gets to do this rafting trip, and he went to Africa and he wants to go to the Rockies next winter (with me and babies which means I take care of kids alone in Alberta while he snowboards and I'll still be nursing and anyway it's not concrete yet) and I thought What about me? When do my fun weekends with friends get to happen? and he told me I acted like I begrudged him these things and joked that I got myself pregnant, and I got upset and asked him why he always has to say such stupid things like that and even though it passed quickly and by bed time there was no "fight" left, it still left me feeling like an asshole and someone who acts like I resent other people's fun and happiness because of where my life is right now.
I was plagued with weird dreams about being induced at 37 weeks and being afraid and Steve not being there because he was with Leila and didn't want to call anyone to come get her.
Leila has one point of a molar poking through and the opposite one soon on the way. It's left her screechy and clingy today, and I finally gave her some Tylenol and plunked her in her bed. Although she yelled and kicked off her blankets as I left the room, she's quiet now and hopefully will sleep for a while.
Amidst these moments of tantrums and teething and dumping shit off diapers into the toilet and jelousy at the fun things Steve gets to do, there are moments that leave me wishing I could freeze time. Leila sitting on my lap, patting my belly, or curled into my chest as we read a book together. And I think Oh baby girl, things are going to change so fast, if only we could stay like this a little while longer. My sweet little girl, my baby, and sometimes it just breaks my heart at how fast time has gone and now that she's on the verge of being a big sister, it seems like nothing will ever be the same. No more cribs or highchairs or onesies, soon no more diapers. There are rubber boots instead of soft soled shoes, and running after her Dad while they play outside in the late afternoon wind, and while I am happy that all of these things are happening, and really (mostly) ready for these changes from baby to "big girl" it leaves me feeling like I want to grab her and take her away from all of this. To step into a vaccuum so we can stay like this just a little while longer, her curled into me. Just a little longer.
wunderwuman at 10:41 a.m.