01.12.08
Baby Musings
When I first found out I was pregnant, I hoped and hoped and hoped for a girl. I worried about the societal pressures put on boys and men, I worried about not being able to love a second child, especially one so completely different than Leila. But I was so sure that this baby was a boy, I pushed girl out of my mind.
In the way that we do, I have been talking to this little baby, imagining this summer, thinking about nursing and crawling and walking and first solids and doing laundry. And the baby was always dressed in blue. When I thought about this summer, I thought about blue sleepers in the snuggli, I thought about blue blankets, I am have drooling over cozy blue snowsuits. And turns out baby is a girl.
And while I feel amazed, truly, to be having another girl, I kind of miss the little boy I dreamed about. His name was maybe going to be William, maybe Noah. I preferred one, Steve the other. I thought he would crawl early, and chase his big sister. I had the whole next year imagined. And now here we are, with another girl on the way. I still can't really believe it, to tell the truth. I have to dig out the box of clothes I stored away, filled with pink overalls and bibs and tights marked Size 0 - 12 Months . And I have been thinking about a new baby girl, still completely different and unique from Leila and to be honest, it's hard to imagine a new born baby without Leila's eyes, or a different kind of nurser. It's hard to imagine another baby.
I still worry about her, about my relationship with her, what will happen, how it will change. And I worry about the new baby, not so much loving her, because I know I will, but maybe about appreciating her as much as I do Leila. I worry that I'll be too busy, or too tired. I am afraid that someone's relationship will suffer from another child being in our house. I think all these fears are normal, but they still exist nonetheless.
I told Steve he is going to have a gaggle of girls around him for the rest of his life, and he broke into a grin. He told me he can't wait to teach his girls how to ride bikes, how to do it all. I asked if he was a little dissapointed and he told me no, that this baby is as much as a blessing as any other.
My mom is over the moon, and I warned Steve I will be dressing our girls the same for more than one picture. There are pictures to come of Leila, groceries to be bought, and a long awaited and much appreciated family day on the horizon.
wunderwuman at 9:03 a.m.