12.23.07
Merry Christmas
Hi! Welcome to the emotional basketcase that is me these past two weeks.
There are a thousand things going through my mind on a daily basis, most surprisingly, serious fears about childbirth. I honestly expected them to be, well, less intense this time, but if anything, they are worse. Because I know what it feels like. And sure the pain is dulled by the wonder of a new baby, but I am still scared all over again. Then there is my mother, who desperately wants to be here for the birth, and my MIL who gave Steve an earfull the other day about being the lesser grandparents, and work which has been (I think) the catalyst of all my stree these past two weeks, in that I feel like I just cannot handle it anymore. My new location has proved a much longer commute through city traffic at night. And of course the fact that I am always exhausted at night so I do nothing but fall asleep watching tv after my bath. The only thing I have been managing to keep on track is our sex life, which has been nice, and a good way to release my frusterations at the end of the day.
But sometimes I feel alone in all of this. I cannot talk to my mom about my fears, because it just worries her. And while STeve is great, I am not sure that a man can ever truly understand how it feels to be facing the mountain that is childbirth. My doctor certianly does not give a crap about my emotional state, and while I do have a friend who lives close by who has gone through this before, I never have any time or energy to go out for dinner together.
I am seriously considering switching to part-time in February, and then maybe not going back full time at all after. I realize that maybe it wont be (cant be?) so hard when I am no longer pregnant, but right now, it is hard to imagine feeling anything other than fatigue and sadness at the end of the day. Saddness because I only see Leila for half an hour before bed. Sadness because Steve says she constantly asks for me and has taken to crying when I leave in the morning. Sadness because when Steve picks her up at daycare she runs to him, but on Friday, she looked up at me and went back to playing with her toys, then asked me where Dada and Milo were. Sadness because tonight is the first time I have helped cleaned the house in I cant remember how long. And I realize how lucky I am that I have someone who loves me and cleans the house for me and picks Leila up and makes me supper every. single. night. And he tells me not to feel guilty that I just need to rest all the damn time, but I cant help but feel somewhat useless when the most I can muster is to keep my eyes open past nine.
Anyway, sorry for the whiney pre-Christmas entry. My parents are coming tomorrow, which has me irrationally stressed and the in-laws are coming on Boxing Day and my parents will still be here and it always seriously stresses me out to have them together, but it was something we really couldnt get out of. Anyway, there is more I could nag and rag about and tons more on my mind, but it is not really the time.
Merry Christmas everyone, I am happy not to be working Christmas Eve Day and off for four days in a row until the 27. I probably wont have a lot of time to post in the next few days, but as an end note, I am 19 weeks pregnant, and therefore (hopefully!) almost halfway through my pregnancy. I feel BIG kicks lately and if we lie every-so-still at night at just the right angle, Steve can even feel some movement.
wunderwuman at 8:13 p.m.