6.04.07
A minute for myself
For the recond, on the whole, I think that I am a pretty good mom. But sometimes there are days when Leila shows me just how much she loves me and needs me, how sometimes I make everything ok just by loving her, that I know I am doing something right.
Saturday afternoon she howled in her bed instead of napping, I would go in and she would be standing up hanging onto the crib, at least ten times. The last time I went in, she looked at me, with her splotchy face and tear streaked cheeks and sobbed and hiccupped and held her arms out to me. I picked her up along with her sookie blanket and sat in our rocking chair. She laid her head on my shoulder and was alseep within seconds, still gulping for air. We stayed like that for an hour. I knew she would wake if I moved her, so I stayed still, rocking the chair and rubbing her back. She stirred at one point, lifting her head, but I held her close and she laid it back down. It has been a long time since I have held her while she slept, and I prayed and said all my thank yous for this amazing child. She woke, eventually, hair matted with sweat, cheeks bright pink, but happy again, all of her distress long forgotten.
We talked about a second baby on our Honeymoon, and I have been doing a lot of soul searching in the past few weeks and I have realized that I am really, really not ready. To say nothing about the thought of taking care of a newborn again, of no sleep and post-partum emotions and taking care of a toddler at the same time, to say nothing about the fact that I just got my body back and am not ready to give it up again. But mostly? It is because I need more time for me.
I tried to be that mom, with the clean house and the happy baby and the perfect dog and makes breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday and I felt like I lost myself somewhere along the way. I want a clean house, and I want to mak my family meals, but not at the expense of myself. We had a lot of sex on our Honeymoon, and it was really good, and it was the first time since Leila has been born that I have been really able to let go, you know? It felt like somehow, being a mom interferred with our sex life. More than the fatigue and breast feeding and hormones do, but somehow being a mom made me feel like I was not supposed to like hot, dirty, rough sex anymore. And guess what? I still do.
Being away from Leila for five (glorious) days seemed to give me a little perspective. I love her, I love her more than anything else in this world, but I know that I need to live my life outside of her as well. So I promisd to relish my sleep-in days, and to (at least) once a week take an evening for myself. This week is yoga on Thursday, maybe next will be another dinner out.
All that said, can you believe her birthday is in ten days? We turned her carseat around yesterday, and I put her new bigger shoes on her today. She is starting to craw fast now, and is showing the slightest shimmerings of temper tantrums.
But while she sleeps I want to rest. My run was long and hard today and has left my insides feeling tingly and exhausted.
wunderwuman at 1:16 p.m.