01.15.07
The world is the size of the living room rug
Wow. Where do I begin? How long has it been anyway? So, Leila is seven months old (yesterday). I managed to survive (with flying colours, I might add), my first week as a stay-at-home-mom by myself (Steve went back to work on January 8). And, as the military is prone to do, Steve has been sent into the field for two weeks. So much for easing into it.
So, today we went swimming. Did it matter that it was a snow storm outside? Did it matter that strollers are a pain to push through two inches of snow so I loaded us and our crap into the car? Did it matter that I had to scrape through an inch of ice on the windshield? No, it did not! Because I had decided that today we would swim! (Hello, she is seven months old and had never been swimming and in the mommy books, I think that makes me a bad once, since there was a newborn, newborn, there today). Anyway, we made it, and not to worry, since the pool is really only up the road, so we did not have far to travel on the icy roads. Leila was a fan though. It took her a couple of minutes to warm up (I was warm before we even got into the water because she had a big pee right on my lap) (turns out that cloth swimming diaper that I bought obviously is not very absorbent). It was noisy and echoey and she had this expression on her face that was said, I am not so sure about this Mommy. . . , but after a few bounces and standing on the side and slapping a turtle-shaped flutter board, she started to babble and smile and even laughed once or twice.
Other big milestones are the new noises. For the past week, Leila has been spending a lot of time saying bbb bbbb bbbb. And then yesterday she woke up, smiled and said, Ba ba ba! She gets this hilarious expression on her face and sticks her chin out and smacks her mouth a few times and then says Ba ba!. Also, a few times we have had a Ma ma ma mixed in with that, which made my heart leap. Oh, I know they are only noises and that she is not referring to me, but I can pretend, right?
She has been spending a lot of time inspecting her body, and to my extreme delight tonight (I may have burst out laughing), she found her big round belly. She was trying to pull at her diaper, and then noticed that the reason she could not quite get at that Velcro was because of this thing in the way. So she spent the next few minutes patting it and pushing it and trying to lift it. Hi-larious.
Wedding plans are coming. I have the bridesmaids dresses picked out, and I�m just waiting for two of the girls measurements so I can order them. I left a message at the church here and when the Minister calls, I will cancel the church we booked in Kingston. Tomorrow we are headed to the doctor for boosters, Wednesday is the La Leche meeting, and Thursday afternoon Liam is coming for the weekend. I am taking a break from running because of shin splints, so I have been trying to be especially diligent about lifting weights. I feel good though, and I think it is a combination of my body starting to tighten up, being smart about what I eat, and the fact that the world did not fall around my shoulders when I became Leila�s primary care-giver. I mean, I had a certain level of faith in my abilities as a mother, but there was this underlying fear that I did not really know what was best for her, because Steve had always been there. And Steve is the type of person that will take control, and I am the type of person that will let the other person take control of the situation because it is just easier. But last week was good, was really good. I took care of the baby and I had supper ready every night and I even managed to get the laundry done, vacuum and clean the tub. And it made me feel proud inside.
It is silly, in a way, and maybe sounds stupid to a lot of people, but those are the little things that make me proud of myself. Because laundry is shitty, and sometimes I am tired (especially since Leila has taken to waking up at five), but at the end of the day, when the baby is in bed, and we can relax because the house is clean, it makes me happy inside. Steve told me how good of a mom I was the other night, and I told him that it is so, so important to me. That I feel so overwhelmed by love for this person that I want to make her feel safe. I know there will be days when I want to pull my hair out, and there will be times when we fight an fight and fight (because, oh man, two Geminis), but as long as Leila knows that she is loved, no matter what, and that she always has a safe place to land here with us, I hope that drive gives me the drive I need to be a good mom when the world is bigger than the living room rug.
wunderwuman at 7:03 p.m.