10.27.06
Teaching her to swim
From about four thirty on, Leila�s battery starts to run pretty low. She gets a little fussy and crabby, is not longer content to play on the floor or in her Exersaucer. So we usually eat supper and head to the park for an hour or so. We get home and play with her, give her some naked time to grab her toes and we squeeze her chubby knees and blow raspberries into her belly and laugh as she giggles and smiles.
Then around seven it is bath time, which she loves. Then comes getting ready for bed and settling into the rocking chair together with the lights off for her last meal of the day. It�s then that I do most of my thinking, my praying. It�s then that I always remember to say thank you for this baby bundled in fuzzy pink sleepers falling asleep in my arms. I lay her in her crib and pull the blankets up. I tip toe out of her room and close the door. And then Steve and I watch some television or cuddle with each other or have some alone time, him usually in the basement, me upstairs on the computer or in the tub. But it�s our wind down time, our decompression time.
And it�s about from four thirty on that is my favourite time of day. I like how alert and bright Leila is in the morning. I like when she�s strong and wants to stand. I love when Steve and I make love in the afternoons while she�s napping. I like going for runs by myself. But there�s something about our evening routine that always reminds me of how lucky I am.
Our friends are pregnant, and I said a silent prayer for them when they told us. For safety and no complications, for a strong relationship.
I�ve said before how Leila has changed my perspective on a lot of things in life, and one of those has been my faith. I was raised Christian and although I haven�t been without my doubts in life, I believe in God. And yet since she�s been born, there seems to be something more profound about it all. There doesn�t seem to be much point in asking why we are so lucky, because there are never answers to those types of questions. But suddenly life seems more serious, I guess.
I bought a pair of shoes the other day, brown loafers. My mom described them as sensible shoes for a young mother. I think back to two years ago when I was in university and my biggest concerns were grades and friends. And now life is so much more than just me. Part of my life is taking care of someone else�s. Part of my life is remembering that it is undershirt weather now, and wondering if we should even bother going to the mall because flu season is almost here. It�s washing the toys that another baby played with before giving them back to Leila and worrying about the little things, like if there is a snowsuit out there that would fit her better.
Same as our relationship. It isn�t just about the two of us anymore. I heard a story about a man cheating on his wife when they had three kids at home and I was appalled. Because once there are children, things become about so much more than you and your whims. It seems so easy on the cranky days to get stressed and tired and snap at Steve because he made a comment about the house being messy.
My friend stayed the night last night and asked me if I felt old. I answered Sometimes, because sometimes I do. Sometimes seven thirty rolls around and all I want to do is crawl into bed. Sometimes my life two years ago seems nothing more than a dream. But I wouldn�t change it, I wouldn�t change any of it. Because I enjoy being a young mother with sensible shoes, and I enjoy pretending to chew on my baby�s chubby thighs, and I enjoy crawling into bed beside Steve every night, even if that is at nine.
It�s not that some days I don�t feel anxious to start a career or get back to school, because I do. But the satisfaction that this little family we�ve started brings me is something that no amount of education or long hours behind a desk could.
I finally feel like I�m starting to come out of the baby-haze I have been living in the past four months, and tune into the world around me. There are these, which I have totally been meaning to write an entry about, and all of this, which is absolutely terrifying. And of course, there are wedding plans and finding hymns and passages for the ceremony. There is the whole dress issue, which I haven�t even come close to tackling yet. And then there is the reality of starting to save for the Honeymoon.
So life goes on, both wrapped around and completely despite baby. Some days it feels like I�m just trying to keep my head above the water and other days I�m teaching her about the world.
wunderwuman at 10:22 p.m.