9.24.06
Prepare me
Funny how things happen. I�ve been blue for a couple days and sat down last night to write a sorrowful entry full of baby blues and self pity. And then my younger brother messaged me with compliments and laughter, and Steve pulled me away from the computer. And then today was a service at a new church, spending an hour outside raking leaves and an unexpected surge of lust followed by an afternoon quickie.
My emotions have been running haywire ever since Leila was born. I�m on the verge of tears at least three times a day. This worries me a little, since I thought my emotions would have evened out by now. My skin is breaking out worse than when I was a teenager and clumps of hair fall out every time I run my fingers through it. Despite all that, things are going well.
Owning a house is great! We have almost finished the basement, all that is left is a few touch ups on paint and to put down some baseboards. We have, heh heh kind of run out of renovation money though, so we are doing a little bit at a time. Tomorrow while Steve paints I am planning on checking out the local library to see if there are some play groups for Leila and I, and we are starting swimming lessons next month, too. Oh! And I think that I�m going to be taking this course starting in January.
A life long friend of my mother�s died a week ago and left behind two granddaughters, a soon-to-be-married daughter and a son. It�s sad and breaks my heart for everyone. I have been trying to remember how precious life is, and how quickly it can change, how quickly it can all be taken away from us.
I�ve been trying to deal with some of my guilt. (Oh where to start?) Guilt about the stupid everyday things, the innate stuff that comes with being a mother, the self-abusive thoughts I have about my family, the guilt that comes with being happy to live far away sometimes. I wonder where it comes from, if I learned to feel this way from my mother or from society. I wonder if these feelings actually have any value, or if they are all just a waste of my time and energy. I look forward to a Christmas here, and then start to cry when I think of a Christmas dinner with only too people. But I don�t want to dwell on these things tonight.
Anyway, my date with Steve awaits, as does the next load of laundry.
wunderwuman at 7:44 p.m.