11.29.04
I could breakaway
I�ve been trying to be a better person lately. There was a period of time where I felt selfish, ignorant and self-centred. When I looked outside of myself, when I remembered to stop for a moment of reflection, I was beginning to hate what I saw. So I looked less often.
I�m not sure when it happened, but I started to try to think about the way other people felt. Not the other people who are my friends, but the other people who are strangers waiting for the bus, or on the elevator, or in the car beside me.
One of my friends has acted differently towards me ever since he realized that Steve and I were more than a passing fling. Truth be told, he�s more Steve�s friend than mine, and has only ever had flings, and doesn�t understand why they spend less time together since we�ve been spending more. The tension has been building, it�s been little pressures between us, pressures that I�m not sure he feels, but they are real to me. He grabs smacks my bum too hard, he grabs my arm too forcefully for me, it makes me feel uncomfortable and I�ve asked him to stop before. But that�s him, he doesn�t listen to what other people ask of him.
It climaxed Saturday night. We were all walking to the Great Big Sea concert and I asked him to stop grabbing and poking me and turned around and started to walk away. He was drinking, I wasn�t. He grabbed the hood of my jacket too hard and I lost my cool. I turned around swinging and clipped him in the mouth. He grabbed me by the arms and said, �This is the last time�� I didn�t let him finish I yanked my arms away and told him to fuck off and walked away.
Apparently he was bleeding and his lip was swollen, we avoided each other for the rest of the night, but he told Steve he was going to hold a grudge until February. Once we got home after the concert, we were lying in bed, and I started to cry. I couldn�t help it, it was the months of rudeness from him, the way he talks to Steve like I�m not there, the way he constantly ditches everyone, how he has no respect for anyone, I couldn�t help it, I just started crying. I thought he was someone who at least valued our friendship. I�ve begun to question if he values anyone at all.
Sometimes I just can�t understand. I�m not perfect, not even close. I�m stubborn and selfish at times and don�t spend as much time with some of my friends as I should� but I�ve been trying to be better, I�m trying to be a nicer person, I�m letting go of the anger that had been building up inside of me for the last four years that I never knew where to focus or where it came from. And sometimes someone who you thought mattered so much hurts you, and you just wonder what any of us are doing here at all. Are people really as horrible as they seem? Is there good deep down in us at all? Is it about anything more than money and greed, about more than ourselves and trying to be one step above of anyone else, no matter what the cost, be that lies, cheating, hurting people who care about you� sometimes I just don�t know. And it makes me so sad inside.
wunderwuman at