11.24.04
I lock it down
Sometimes I feel like all I do is complain. My head is clogged, my nose has had one single solitary drip constantly running all day, my throat hurts, my eyes are tired, and I think I might have a fever.
I still have an hour and a half to go, this afternoon has slowly creeped by so far. I wish I could go home and crawl into bed.P
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I wrote this yesterday, but never got around to posting it, so here it is:
Did you know that I have almost half my Christmas shopping done? I don�t think I�ve ever even started it before the beginning of December, possibly even middle now that I think about it. But yes, here I am, with an RRSP and Christmas shopping done in November. I�m turning into my mother.
So, you wrote that one day you might bail on the corporate world. Ah my duckie, I feel the same way. I�m so torn between two different paths. One takes me further into this company, into an MBA, into Quebec, Ontario, and then right back to Stellarton. The other takes me to Antigonish, to Africa, to Ottawa� to the world. They are both appealing in their own way, which is part of the problem. It�s been easy to forget how politics make me feel, how my heart beats faster when I read about the AIDS epidemic, male domination, starving kids. I�ve kind of tuned it out since May, I was just so happy to be finished with school. I�m starting to miss it now. There�s the sense of obligation, to keep doing what I�m doing, to stay here, to be close, to have babies close to their grandparents. I wouldn�t mind, and I can see myself doing that. Sometimes I just get so worried that I�ll wake up at forty and wonder who I am, and where all my dreams went.
I keep telling myself that I want to volunteer, partly to do my part, and partly to get a foot in the door. I haven�t gotten around to it for a couple reasons, the main one being pure selfishness of my time; I don�t want to give up more weekends than I have to. Also, there doesn�t seem to be much here in this uni-cultural city.
Ah, this negativity, or self-justification� it�s both I suppose. I feel bombarded sometimes, with too many choices, but don�t feel as though I have the knowledge to help anyone. I don�t know where to begin.
wunderwuman at