12.03.03
Come down from your fences, oh renegade
Funny how someone else's advice to another situation can sometimes suit you so well.
I've always said (or for a while now) that you attract the type of people you want to attract. But I never understood why I always seem to attract boys who can't help touching me, but are too scared to get into a committed relationship. And then the other night I realized.
If they are the one who is scared, I have to be the one who is not scared. I have to be the one to coach them through it, right? But if I dated someone who didn't get scared, would they like me enough, or be intuative enough to coach me through it when I got freaked out.
It's all about emotional availabity. I say that I am, and honestly belive it. So maybe the reason why he walked away, why he won't even talk to me is because I am. Because me knowing what I wants scares him, along with a thousand other things.
There is nothing I can do about the fact that he is too immature to deal with the way he feels, that he's too intimidated by women to talk about anything beyond common interests, that he couldn't even answer me when I asked how many people he's slept with, because we both knew the number was a lot lower than mine.
And so I've learned, I think, that it's not always worth the heartache. That maybe the happiness isn't always worth the pain you will feel at the end. That there is more to me than convincing scared university boys that we could be good for each other. I've learned, or should I say re-learned, that you shouldn't travel the same road twice.
How I will feel in another five weeks, once we're back from Christmas break and relaxed and school hasn't yet become a priority I do not know. In the back of my mind I wondered if he would ask me to start again, but the email I received from him today makes me inclined to think otherwise. It was uncalled for and painfully harsh, though I know he didn't mean it to be.
Since this has happened, all I've been thinking about has been going home and healing myself. But today for the first time, I got excited about next term. About the freedoms I can give myself in my last term of my undergrad. And I couldn't help but smiling all day.
wunderwuman at