01.12.03
Fight fire with water
My whole life I've always been scared to open up to people. I've never been able to tell them how I felt about them, and wasn't strong enough to tell them what I wanted.
The last few years, I've been working on it, and I'm finally at a place where I feel like I am strong enough, and I know myself well enough to say that this is what I want, and you can either take it or leave it. I said that to a boy and he walked away.
He's doing what I did to myself last year. Hurt from a breakup months ago, and so scared of feeling that way again, he told me he just couldn't let himself, despite how he feels about me.
What bothers me the most, is that I feel as though I understand what he's doing moreso than he does. That if he would only listen to me, I could make it better for him, I could help him. But he doesn't want my help. He wants to drink five nights a week for one week and then cram his studying into the next four days. Making time for friends, but not girlfriends.
I understand that, all too well. But I thought I meant more to him. I thought he would come back and say, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." But he didn't.
This same thing happened to me two years ago, a scared boy who I knew I could make love me. So when he gave me this speech, I told him it was okay, that I wouldn't ask for anything more than he could give. And I kept sleeping with him even though all my friends told me not to, that I would get hurt. And I did hurt a lot, but it turned out the way I wanted eventually.
I can't bring myself to do it this time. There's a voice inside of me saying I should be proud of myself, for realizing I can't compromise myself like that. That somehow, my respect for myself has grown beyond letting someone fuck me while they decide if they want to make it more or not.
But there's this other voice, too. That tells me I have nothing to offer. That this feeling of calm I felt was obviously wrong and useless if I can't even hold onto a relationship when I'm happy. That maybe all or nothing is the state of mind that leaves you alone and lonely.
I have a friend who's moving to England to be with her boyfriend, and I have another who's going to have a baby. And I wonder, why have I never felt that way? Why has no relationship ever lasted for me. It's okay in university, but what about afterwards? How will I justify to myself when I can't blame it on time limits and constantly moving and being unsure of the future?
In a world that tells women to be whatever they want, except dear god, don't settle for being a mother and wife, how do you know where to put love? When are you supposed to make it a priority, to sacrifice things for it? And will I ever be willing to do that? How do you know where to place your "Love" file amongst the goals and political aspirations and the places you'd love to visit. What if I wake up one day, and realize I forgot to make it important?
If you're supposed to want to conquer the world, to eliminate injustice, to fight for your part of equality, to not fall prey to what magazines and Hollywood tell you to be... If you're supposed to rise above sexism and gender profiling and unite with other women to prove to the rest of the world that we are not the same as men, but we are just as capable... who remembers to leave space for what is truly important?
Loving your father and your brothers, your mother and remembering your grandmothers. Learning from their strengths, not being afraid to cry when you're hurt. Falling in love and making sacrifices for everyone you love. Having children and being scared that you won't be a good mother. Mourning slightly as you watch your parents age more everyday. Where do these fit in?
And most of all, how do you know when to let go?
wunderwuman at