07.11.02
Day were like that
Sometimes everyone needs to ignore other people. You need to ignore the cries for your attendance, for your support.
Yesterday after work I went home. I didn�t go to the gym. I cleaned my room, I gave myself a pedicure, I took a shower and shaved my legs. I made a big plate of salad with a side of cottage cheese and ate supper in front of the t.v. I didn�t return my telephone calls. I gave three dollars (which is all I had) to a man collecting for the Disabled Society of Canada.
At nine-thirty, I said goodnight to Ann. I got into bed, I read a chapter, wrote a little and then closed my eyes. I don�t think I actually fell asleep until about eleven o�clock, if not later, but I needed that time to unwind. To let myself think about the things I�ve been avoiding on purpose.
Zach called me two days ago, asked if he could come and visit me on Sunday. And stay until Wednesday. I told him that I needed a few days to think about it, that I wasn�t sure. Then yesterday I wrote him an e-mail, but didn�t send it right away. So I thought a lot about him these last few days, re-read the e-mails from him that I have saved. Read the letter that he wrote to me a few weeks ago, that I just received yesterday. Thought about him, his touch, his voice, his eyes. And I am going to tell him that he can come, if he wants to.
Saturday there is a rugby tournament all day long and then a huge party afterwards. I�m really looking forward to playing. On Tuesday I went with Jill to watch a Super League game out in Spryfield. Remember that married man I wrote about a while ago? He was there. Smiled at me while his wife had her back turned. Then once she left he came over with beer in hand and made small talk. And all the while, to myself, I thought, �You are so disgusting.� There is another boy who plays for that team, who when he was drunk told me I was a bitch, because I refused to tell him what he wanted to hear, and I guess he didn�t like that. He must not have remembered because he smiled at me and I saw him looking at me when he thought I wasn�t watching.
Last night I had a dream that I got into a fight at the Casino. Then I was in a Mall, and trying to run from a man who was following me. But every time I tried to walk fast, my legs collapsed, because the muscles were too tight to walk. So I had to walk very slowly, and I was scared that he would catch me. There was a security desk so I walked up to it and asked them to let me stay there for a little while until he left, and eventually he did. They told me that it was just a situation that I had gotten myself into and I had to learn how to deal with situations like these ones better.
Last week I missed half-day of work because I was coughing so hard, I couldn�t breathe when I woke up. So this week I�ve been making up those four hours. I�ve been taking shorter lunches and staying until five instead of four-thirty. That half-hour makes a huge difference. Especially on days like yesterday when there�s not enough work to go around. Last week we barely had time to breathe in-between the files and assignments piling up on everyone�s desks and this week we�re stretching to get enough work to last the day. Yesterday afternoon, I promised Karen that if she gave me something to do, I�d work slowly, and she smiled and laughed at me.
I guess none of this is really very important or revolutionary, but it�s something. And I haven�t been writing much of anything in here lately. Spending most of the day sitting in front of a computer at work, it�s close to the last thing that I want to do once I get home. The next four days are supposed to be sunny and beautiful, and I�m happy. In his letter Zach wrote that he missed talking to me everyday and I was a little surprised because I thought that maybe he didn�t have time to think about me anymore. What I learned when I lived in France is that you can run away, but you can�t run away from the way you feel. And I guess that proves true for everyone. In any case, I�m getting more and more excited to see him.
wunderwuman at