06.21.02
I just want you around
Zach called me last night. Told me he missed me, loved me still and it made my heart hurt.
I spent the last few days being angry at him. For every sweet thing he's ever done. For every time I've been frusterated, for everything. And last night, when I heard his soft voice, I realized that I'm not angry at all.
So what's better? Convincing myself that I don't have any feelings for him anymore, or sitting here hurting, crying as I pee in the small yellow stall down the hall?
What hurts a lot is that no one seems to understand. Ann is confused and hurting about her boy, Eva thinks I've sacrificed parts of myself by putting my hair into pigtails, wearing pink and going to the gym. Jill thinks that Zach is being indecisive and my mom thinks that this "break" (or end, whatever you want to call it) is the best thing that could have happened to me.
To Zach: I know you're not reading this now, but I'm guessing that in two months or so you might come to catch up on me, from Halifax, or Truro, or Alaska or whereever the hell you end up. So I'm sorry if any of this hurts you, when I start to write about other boys and how I never really loved you that much anyway. So just read this with perspective, ok?
I'm just so tired all the time. My eyes burn and my throat hurts and I just want to crawl into bed. Everything is so gray. Even the one person who could put this into perspective for me, she can't take away this pain. And what I wish I had right now was something to take away this pain. To speed up this waiting. To bring Zach back to me and make it like it was before I ever started to worry about the looming day that my heart would break.
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