03.24.02
Why are you afraid of silence?
We're already pratically at the end of March. How did time get by me so fast?
Somedays, I need quiet. Lately, there have been more of these days than usual. I haven't wanted to drink, to dance, to party. I've wanted to be by myself, to think, to daydream. I don't know what I've wanted, but it hasn't been the same as before.
I used to hate going to the gym by myself, now I wish I could do that everytime. Since Christmas, I've wanted to fill my days with conversations at the pub, with beer, with laughter. But those conversations have been repeating themselves these last few weeks, the beer doesn't taste as good.
Sometimes when someone knocks on my door, I don't answer it. When my phone rings, I let the answering machine pick up. Lately, I don't even listen to that much music, I like the quiet too much.
I had a dream last night that Zach got an acceptance letter from U of Maine. I heard him talking to someone else about it and asked him why he didn't tell me. He said that he didn't want to upset me, that he wasn't even sure he wanted to go yet, because it wasn't the campus that he wanted. I was upset, felt like he didn't care or something.
This morning I got up and went to the gym. I was cranky though - I hate being cranky. Because things that people say make it worse. I try to keep it inside, because I know I'm being irrational, but sometimes I feel like saying, "I don't care. You've told me these things one thousand times, if you don't have something new to say, can't we just do this in silence? Why are you so scared of silence?"
I got a lot of work done last night and was pleased. I have a paper that needs writing still, but it's only six pages. I've been putting it off for weeks now, and it's due Tuesday, so I can't put it off anymore.
For all the times in my life I've wanted to fastforeward time, all those night laying in bed in France counting down the days til I could go home for Christmas, or the days last year when I counted with desperation the classes left until summertime, for all of those times, I wish now that I could slow down this last month.
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