03.10.02
Tear in my hand
This weekend was great. I'm exhausted and sore, but it's always worth it. It was an escape from my reality, and now I'm back here and this anxiousness is back in my stomach. I don't know what it's from but I want to cry. I always chalk these feelings up to exhaustion.
I think I'm a bad girlfriend. I'm a huge flirt, number one. I was dirtydancing with a bunch f the boys and we all had candy necklaces on that we were eating off of each other. But when Zach talks to other girls I get really jelous.
He does't trust me 100% and that really bothers me. He thinks I'm going to get really drunk and make out with someone. We were talking to Jeremy, one of the boys, and he started telling us a story about a three way that he had a few nights ago, and this led Zach into telling some of his stories, and I laughed at the time, because it was funny, but today I think about it and it bothers me.
I think what bothers me the most is that he has told me that I'm "promiscious" and I know I'm not. And even if I am, he's more of a slut than me. And I know we're going to break up soon, because school is over soon, and it bothers me that I know he'll go out and sleep with random girls right after me. I hate how sex is so different for girls than for boys. It's like I want him to act one way, I want him to not be bothered when I flirt and stuff, but I want him to sit down like a good boy and not do the saem things I do. It's a huge double standard, and that's what makes me a bad girlfriend.
I had a dream about Jimmy this afternoon, he was being an asshole and walking around, I can't really explain it. One of the boys on the team cheated on his girlfriend this weekend, which apparently isn't that uncommon. According to him, she's the girl he wants to marry, so he feels like he has to get this out of his system beforehand. Isn't that discusting?
I think I need a shower and to unpack. I hope I feel better tomorrow. Oh god, I have two papers due this week. I want to crawl in a hole and hide from everything.
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