12.06.01

I never meant to do you wrong

7.05

I'm bored. I have to pack but I want to go to JJ's. Zach called, that's where he's going. He told me I should get my friends to go down. I told him that my friends were all already doing stuff tonight. He said he would invite me but his friends made up a "No Girls Allowed" rule for the night. He got my number for my house, and said that he would call me.

I'm a little sad, my plan is to come back here around this time next week. I'm going to go crazy at home. There's nothing to do and no one is home yet. Not even my brothers. Boo to being bored at home.

I guess now that Mom and I won't go down to see Grandnanny I can come up, I'll have enough time. Eeeexcellent. When I walked past the security desk, I heard Zach's ex-girlfriend talking about him laughing and stuff. I don't think she knows about him and me. I think it would make her really sad. Oh well. I guess I'll pack.

Ooooooh. Brad Andrews told me he might go out to JJ's. I might go with them. . .

5.17

All this talk about phone sex makes me think that maybe the month of Christmas break won't be that long. . .

4.58

I convinced Jill to go to the gym, though she is much more hungover than I am. It felt good though, to sweat out sticky alcohol through my skin.

There were boys that I wanted to kiss last night, but I didn't. And there was a boy who I wanted to get with, but I didn't. Even though he asked me to come to his room. I guess my morals are sturdier than I thought. I might have, but yesterday we had this conversation:

Boy: Are you going to pick up tonight?
Girl: Nope.
Boy: Why not?
Girl: There's one boy I want to pick up though.
Boy: Who's that?
Girl: umm, maybe you know him. . .he works residence security, plays rugby, lives on South Bland Street. . .
Boy: *blush* He sounds hot.
Girl: Yeah, he's pretty cute.
Boy: *laughs* Well, if you pick up just let me know and I'll leave you alone.

I don't wnat hm to leave me alone. And I didn't wnat to go to Matt's room only to be told it didn't mean anything the next day. Becasue I didn't think that it mattered to me, but lately, the more this starts to mean to me, the more I like it.

1.50

Tomorrow will be spent at a funeral home smiling, shaking hands, meeting people I haven't seen in years. Then Saturday we'll all sit in a church and listen to someone tell us this is all for the best, that God will recieve her in his embrace. And I think of it and I get exhausted.

I know it was more than a year ago that I seemed to spend so much time in funeral homes and churches. That we all seemed to cry so much. But I'm still tired of funerals for people I love. I'm selfish, I guess. I didn't even make time for this little old woman who loved me when she was sitting alone in her home. All the years I was so close, all the times I was in the same town but smoked or fucked instead. Even last time, I could have gone, but I stayed here instead, and studied. And now, when she's going to be layed out in a small coffin (because she got so small), I'm still too selfish to want to be there.

Time slips away too fast. I dread the day that this is my mother.

wunderwuman at

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